all i ever wished for....

where im at

2012-02-29T12:32:00.002-05:00

i have to apologize right up front.... my mind is all over the place, so, this post is surely going to run in a million different directions.

it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.

over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.

AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work

i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.

so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......

- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.

along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.

today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).

and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.

i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.

.

resolve support group

2012-02-22T09:41:00.002-05:00

i was just looking around the resolve website and found a support group in my area....
it's meeting tonight.

has anyone ever gaone to one of these?
what do you think?

maybe i will go?

cd2 and a gift

2012-02-15T20:45:00.004-05:00

thats right.....cd 2. my valentines day gift.....af.
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.

when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.

so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.

i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.

hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!

im not ok

2012-02-13T20:23:00.002-05:00

nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.

there are more.

but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.
bad

FML

2012-02-10T14:36:00.001-05:00

its over. beta today was 18. i am to stop all meds.

wish my hubs was here. im destroyed.

here's the story

2012-02-08T13:18:00.004-05:00

hubs is away. and the day we started stims i just knew our beta would happen while he was out of the state. and of course on the day of transfer when they gave us our beta date....it was when hubs is away. i didn't even fight it. i knew they wouldn't move it up.... not for that. so i was ok for a while.

and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.

so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.

tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?

i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)

i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful rainbow.....it was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.

this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.

i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.

i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.

i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own schedule...it's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.

i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.

so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.

also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.

Hot mess

2012-02-07T16:50:00.002-05:00

That's me. Hot fucking mess. I can't get it together today.
Hubs left for a business trip this morning. Won't be back til Sunday. I have to get through beta's without him. And quite frankly.... I'm not feeling too hopeful today.
I've cried several times today. Once in the shower.... Sobs.

I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work. Trying to pull myself together. Hopefully it's busy so my mind will be occupied for a few hours.

13dp3dt

2012-02-06T11:42:00.003-05:00

still in the wait..... waiting forever!! i tried to get my clinic to let me have beta today.... no such luck.

my last two ivf cycles i have kept track of symptoms each day during my 2ww. this time i didn't. partially because i didn't want to make myself crazy thinking about symptoms, and partially because i was being lazy.
but i just want to write a few things down.... this is more for me than anything else. but read on if you want

sat 11dp3dt- felt pretty good. boobs still sore only on the sides and sensitive nipples. was tired during the day.... rested until work at 5. during work was super thirsty but felt pretty good. sleeping has been crappy. difficult to be comfortable all night.

sun 12dp3dt- worked during the day. felt good in morning.... very hungry. around 1:30 started to get cramps. was supposed to work until 5. left at 3 because of cramping. went home to lay down for a while.....felt ok. went to friends for superbowl....spent the whole time on the couch....cramping and feeling cold. got up only to eat and pee. home by 8. in bed by 8:30. still cramping. took some tylenol to help with cramps and mild headache. woke up once to pee in the night. again difficulty sleeping all night.

mon 13dp3dt- up again to pee at 7:30. spotting. brown. just barely a little red. FREAKED OUT!! wiped about a million times after that.... continue spotting but only brown. cramping continues. also in am lots of sneezing and nose blowing.
called dr office on the way to work. they told me to go home. went to work, was there for about 15 min and got sent home. boss said to leave. home and in bed by 11:30. stil cramping, but going to rest the rest of the day.

please please please let this be good. please.

TVT

2012-02-02T16:07:00.005-05:00

its TVT..... the 2ww version.
also known as SVT!
:-)

- today we are 8dp3dt...beta is forever from now
- P4 checked yesterday.... nurse k was super excited when she called with results. 56.76
- super weepy lately....cried during "live with kelly" today (seriously)
- major cramping the last 2 days
- if i had a dollar for every time i have squeezed, pushed, or grabbed my boobs to see if they hurt.... i would be able to pay for several IVF cycles... they still hurt....and are feeling a little on the hard side
- indigestion.... which i HATE!! thank god for tums
- today i had super light spotting at work... i kind of freaked out.... i tried to keep cool at first, but it wasn't happening. i knew it could be good news but i still freaked. called hubs. he told me to relax, and said if i can't relax i should call the doctors office so they can tell me its ok.
i called. spoke to nurse k...as i knew she would she said it was ok, and probably good. she said i should relax and sit with my feet up for a few minutes..... i work in a restaurant...hard to do, but i made it happen. and got out of work a little early, so i could go home and relax.
- i had the nurse draw a diagram on my back so hubs is making sure he is putting my shots in the right place. there have been a couple days where i just knew....because of the pain...it was totally in the wrong place. and a couple days where there was bleeding. nurse k said if i was bleeding it is definitely in the wrong spot, and possibly hitting a nerve....... explains some of my PIO pain.
- thanks for all your support ladies!!! you make the wait a little less evil

200

2012-01-31T09:45:00.005-05:00

200 posts. almost 2 years.

so much has happened. we have been through so much together.....

2 fertility doctors, 2 IUI's, 2 hysteroscopy's, 2 D&C's, 1 Laparoscopy, 1 Endometrial Biopsy, 1 canceled IVF cycle, 3 egg retrievals, 4 embryo transfers, 8 embryos i loved like crazy, 1 Saline Sonogram, 3 Mock Transfers, 5 Trigger shots, 27 shots of Bravelle, 28 shots of Menopur, 34 shots of Lupron, 11 shots of Ganirelix, 45 evil Endometrin suppositories, 67 compounded progesterone suppositories, 54 PIO shots, 28 Acupuncture sessions, 3 packs of birth control, 1 Rhogam shot, 3 WTF Appointments, 17 beta's, 1 methotrexate shot, 1 chemical pregnancy, and 1 blighted ovum.

so much.

countless tears, a lot of bad days, and some perfect and amazing good days.

110 people who care enough to follow my story. 967 comments.... all wonderful. all supportive and amazing.
when my husband suggested i start a blog i thought he was crazy.... i asked if he had ever read an infertility blog...to my surpise he had. i thought they were crazy.....full of sad stories, full of terrible things happening, or infertiles who had achieved their dream. i thought everything about it was crazy....especially all the abbreviations!

but i needed an outlet. i need a way to get my feelings out.... so. i did it. and truly. this community. all you ladies. my friends. i just don't know how it would have worked with out your support.

so today. to celebrate my 200th posting, i celebrate you. i say thank you. without you, who knows where i would be.
and i send my love. all my love. to all of you wonderfully supportive and special women.

xoxo

PIO

2012-01-30T20:22:00.003-05:00

every cycle the PIO gets a little harder... its like my body hasn't recovered fully from the shots the last time, and here we are again. doing the shots all over.

i have tried everything. ice, no ice, laying down, standing staight up, bending over, heating the shot, room temp shot. 25g needles, 22g needles...... anything i might be missing??

right now i am doing no ice, heating the progestrone in a hearing pad after loaded into the syringe, alternating sides, 22g, 1.5 inch needle (ivf nurse suggested this needle) and standing bent over, with all my weight on opposite leg as the side shot is going into (left side shot, all my weight on right leg). after the shot i rub, in a circular motion, and sometimes i do a little heating pad.

the shots fucking hurt!

thursday night i had a giant welt that didn't go away until sunday. sometimes they bleed a little. but man o man they hurt so fucking bad lately. it just scares me to think this could be going on for 5 or 6 more weeks. i mean it would be totally worth it. but man....

any ideas ladies???
are we doing something wrong??

as for the 2ww.... i am now 6dp3dt. and i have all the crazy progestrone symptoms.
sore boobs (i am constantly grabbing them to see if they hurt.... mostly the nipples and on the sides)
crazy dreams.... so crazy the last couple night i have woken up around 4 and considered not going back to sleep so i don't have to dream such craziness.
cramping
constipation
extreme thirst
hunger
amazing smelling abilities

wednesday i have bloodwork.....just P4 and E2. my clinic makes me wait FOREVER for beta's..... luckily i will be working every day until my beta... hopefully the time will pass quickly.

4dp3dt

2012-01-28T19:56:00.003-05:00

today is 4dp3dt. i am still preggo. nothing major to report....but here are random thoughts in bullet points..

- major cramping the first couple days after transfer. it made me kind of nervous, and kind of excited.

- i have been off work since last friday. really nice, as my job sucks

- i spent tuesday(day of transfer) and wednesday in bed. with dear hubs waiting on me hand a foot. it was nice. he is great.
during my bedrest i watched a rediculous amount of movies....
*crazy, stupid love.... a new favorite. partially because ryan gosling is so damn sexy
*morning glory...it was ok...not amazing
*bad teacher..... the funniest part of the movie was watching cameron diaz trying to light a bong with her stove....i laughed for a while after that :-) hahaha
*moneyball....good. very good.
*the ides of march..... feeding into my love of ryan gosling again...it was ok.
*bridesmaids..... this was my seond attempt at watching bridesmaids. the first time i fell asleep.... didn't love it. i now understand why i slept through it the first time. and strange because i feel like EVERYONE loved that movie.
there may have been more ..... thats what i remember.

- i have started to feel the effects of the progestrone. sore nipples. metal taste in mouth. tired. crazy. thirsty. and for some reason when i am on progestrone, i tend to feel sorry for myself....it sucks.

- the other day i hung out with bff and her little man....(he is 2 and the love of my life). several times he wanted me to pick him up, or hold him, or snuggle with him.....i was so sad i couldn't just pick him up and hug him and squeeze him.....but it will be so awesome when has a little cousin(s) to play with

- hubs and i went to the keys yesterday.... it was nice. a change on scenery. we laid by the hotel pool, fished, ate stone crabs, and stared at the ocean. very nice. i think i needed the little getaway....

-yesterday and today are the days that my embabies should be burrowing in for the long haul. i have been thinking about them constantly and praying they stick around. please please please.

-tomorrow is my last day off before i have to go back to work. maybe i can convince hubs to go to the beach for a little bit...

- i have some new followers....thanks for joining.... and thanks so everyone for all your kind words and encouragment..... it means more than you could know
xoxoxo

preggo

2012-01-24T21:26:00.010-05:00

i'm preggo!! (i don't really like PUPO....i would rather be preggo)

today we transferred 2 embabies....(the 3rd didn't make it) i don't think they are amazing quality.... but, i'm not to concerned with quality. i've learned it doesn't really matter all that much. so i am just trying to stay hopeful.

here they are....

i love them

the transfer went well..... i mean not terrible. my transfers are always difficult... but it only took what seemed like 10 minutes and dr. d stayed calm the whole time.... which doesn't happen every time

here they are.....in my ute!!

more love!!

and check out these!! i call them my business socks!!

they have been making me happy all day long

please embabies.... please just stay with me. we will have an amazing time together!! and so much fun!! i love you already, and daddy and i want you so badly in our lives.

fertilization report

2012-01-22T16:03:00.002-05:00

i am super glad dr. d called.... just because i was wondering how i would get through today without hearing how my embabies did.

we have 3.

well. ok.
i mean i know it only takes one. but just a little disappointed..... my ovaries are getting old. older than me. it's scaring me a little bit.

so

on tuesday we will transfer 3. 3 embabies.

please lord....please just let this work. please..... let me bring my baby home this year.

retrieval

2012-01-21T11:06:00.001-05:00

all done.

they got 7 eggs. i was in so much pain. but the heating pad seems to help. won't get fertilization report til monday, but i am just praying we have 3 or 4 little embabies to transfer.

today, we made babies!

retrieval tomorrow

2012-01-20T22:24:00.001-05:00

im wicked nervous right now......
hoping everything is perfect tomorrow.
praying for some nice mature follies. to make some perfect little embabies......

TVT

2012-01-19T21:12:00.008-05:00

i never did thought vomit thursday before.....
i guess now is as good a time as any to give it a shot.

1. my friend "j" (who i work with) had a baby girl on monday. she was born early. and they haven't gotten to hold their precious baby girl yet. as she is being monitored in the NICU. i hope they get to hold their daughter very soon. and i hope she gets to go home with her mommy and daddy.... as soon as possible.

2. smug preggo's make me want to kill. there is one at my work who needs to get hit in the face..... with a brick.

3. i am so bloated.... my pants are tight. i feel like i have to pee basically every half hour. but when i pee, there is nothing there.

4. follies looked good today. left side: 2 18's and a 20. right side: 2 18's, 17, 19, and 2 12's

5. i triggered at 8:30 tonight. retrieval at 8:30 saturday morning (eastern standard time)

:-)

6. transfer on tuesday..... please please please lord give me three amazing embabies to put back!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!

7. bed rest tuesday, wednesday, and most of thursday. i am only ordered bed rest for 2 days.... but the 3rd day can't hurt much.

8. friday morning (next friday). we are going to the keys!! islamorada. just for a little change of scenery. we are staying at a cute little hotel that we love. the drop achor resort. just going to stay friday night and come home saturday...... i talked hubs into it. nothing better than living 2 hours from paradise.

9. please please please let 2012 give me a take home baby.

10. sorry about the keys thing..... i know most of you are in the middle of winter.... but i don't do winter.

etsy dreams.... and an update

2012-01-18T15:58:00.003-05:00

i have been dreaming of these slippers for a while. i have the picture saved on my ipad... i look at them often. they look so perfect in the picture. i think i am a little afriad to order them. afraid they will not live up to my expectations. afraid they won't be as perfect as i imagine them to be.
but aren't they adorable!!!

now, for the update...

lining: 7.5 triple layer. (thank goodness)

left side: 19, 15, 13, 12
right side: 18, 17, 17, 15, 12

E2 in the 600's ....didn't get an exact number

moving right along.

ivf nurse said i definitely won't make it to monday. retrieval will be saturday or sunday. i am thinking probably sunday.(and hoping for sunday... more time for follies to grow and mature) but we go back tomorrow and i am sure we will know better after that ultrasound.

i am feeling pretty good.....the bloat has started to become real. but it is not terrible at all. and i am feeling super happy and excited.

a crazy question....and probably TMI..but i would love your opinions....
do you think 2.5 days is enough time between ejaculation before the big deposit on retrival day??? (this would be on the small chance that retrieval is on saturday) i would like to have sex before the endless pelvic rest begins.... what do you think?? safe or just don't do it?

monitoring update

2012-01-16T21:37:00.002-05:00

several times i have mentioned, here and IRL, how large my file is getting at dr. d's office. i have told the nurses it's starting to get to phone book status.... way too big. they always insist there are much bigger files.... i haven't seen one though...i am always looking.
so this morning as nurse k was drawing my blood. my file fell of the wall. it pulled one of those file holder things straight off the wall!!!
it was CRAZY! i mean seriously... it's time to move on... it's time for my baby. my file is to big to hang on the damn wall!

finally... after 3 ivf's i got my hubs to write things down as they do the ultrasound during monitoring!!!! yay for hubs!!
(this is more for my records than anything....but read on if you are interested)

left side: 13, 13, 13, 12
right side: 14, 13, 12, 8
i didn't see the ultrasound screen so maybe there were some more little ones.... but yay!!! both sides are working!! great job ladies!

as i suspected.... my lining left a little to be desired at 3... maybe 4.
i was kind of upset until i went back through my blog and saw last time the lining was slow go but ended up just fine before retrieval. so, i am not going to stress about it at all.

E2 came back at 384. nurse k said things were good.

and i started gan.ire.lix today after the follow up phone call.

trigger will be friday night or saturday night..... i am thinking probably saturday night for a monday morning retrieval.....
GROW FOLLIES!! GROW!

missing our oatmeal raisin baby

2012-01-16T21:26:00.003-05:00

oatmeat raisin baby..... that's what i called our baby when i was preggo after our FET last year. and today, as i was pulling into work after our monitoring appointment, i thought of our baby. i thought about how i would be having a baby any time now.... it would be about 2 weeks from my due date.
it's so funny how the universe works. because when i walked into work i found out that my coworker, J, who's wife was 2 weeks behind me was in labor. i was genuinely happy for J..... it's just so strange how things happen.

i miss our oatmeal raisin baby....

day 3 of stims

2012-01-15T20:17:00.002-05:00

tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.... this first scan is always the scariest. i am praying for a good number of follies.... and a little nervous about my lining because, well, i am still bleeding. its just a little but... i need that lining!!!

please follies just grow.... a lot.

also, i have been listening to my circle + bloom.. i like it a lot. reminds me of the hypnosis i used to do what feels like a lifetime ago.

cycle start

2012-01-13T22:59:00.002-05:00

i was nervous and excited all day today.

we had our appointment this morning. ultrasound was all clear. everything ready to go.
i am doing all the shots IM this time. that was a shock. the last 3 cycles i have done all shots sub-q. and the thought of menopur IM scared the living daylights out of me. it burns so bad.... so, it's going to burn going into my butt muscles..... not so exciting.

everything was fine though... hubs did the shot super fast and the burning only lasted a few seconds. i think hubs is secretly excited he gets to do all of my shots.

next friday i will be full of follies!!

this has to work.

CD1

2012-01-12T21:38:00.003-05:00

af showed today. not evil, bitchy, raging Af. just a nice calm version of her. i was wicked suprised she showed at all. usually after bcp she is a no show.
so tomorrow is the day.

stim start

(as long as nothing crazy happens.... i am praying for no cysts)
it's funny how it always feels like the first day of school. those anxious type butterflies.
please god....let it be my turn.
please let this work

we went out for sushi and a little bit of sake. my last sushi and alcohol for hopefully a very long time. we came home and signed the consent forms. i packed my meds so i can inject in the bathroom at work tomorrow (fun). we are ready.

please let it be my turn..... please let this work

circle + bloom

2012-01-05T22:28:00.002-05:00

have you heard of it?

have you used it?

do you believe in the mind/body connection?

what do you think about it?

do you like it???

if you don't know what i'm talking about here is a link.....circle + bloom

i just bought it. and it's downloading right now.
i think i might love it.

holy fertility meds batman!!

2012-01-04T19:47:00.004-05:00

i usually don't post pictures of meds..... but wow!!!! this is a lot of meds.

it came in 3 boxes. when i checked the tracking info it said 3 boxes and 16 pounds. ok.......

and then i opened the boxes..... ummmmm that's a lot of shit.
we are going to make some babies with these babies......

catching up

2012-01-03T20:12:00.004-05:00

today is the first day i have relaxed and done nothing in maybe a month..... it was perfect. i sat on the couch all day.... from 9:30 until 4 o'clock..... and i enjoyed every minute of it.

the last few weeks have been crazy, busy, and hectic. first off the week before and the week after christmas are INSANE at work. i work in a restaurant, in a upscale snobby mall. non-stop busy at work has made me exhausted.

and then

the holidays. whenever christmas and chanukkah fall in the same week it kills me. and on top of that there was shopping, cooking, entertaining, partIes, gift wrapping, my brother in town, and my dad and his wife in town (i haven't seen my dad or brother since last christmas)

also

dh went away for an annual trip in chicago.... always the week before christmas.... real helpful. after chicago he had to detour to houston for a funeral.....(very unexpected and very sad)

and

my mom is having some health issues

and

bff is preggo

and

af showed her evil face on christmas day..... and brought brutal, horrendous cramping and awful pain.... and tears (just because).

and

my house is a disaster as i decided to add the the crazy and throw a NYE party

:-)

so..... today was for me. it was perfect. i sat on the couch and netfix'd "breakng bad". i watched the entire first season.
i returned some gifts to bed bath and beyond and got an awesome new omlette pan, for my random egg cravings...
and now i am babysitting the love of my life.... my nephew bubba.(he is 2, and no his name isn't really bubba) as i put him to bed i gave him a kiss and told him i loved him..... he said, "i love you too anut jes, happy new year". it was the freaking cutest thing ever.

as for the baby making..... started the evil BCP on the 28th. all meds are ordered and will arrive tomorrow. i scheduled some time off at work.... taking off starting the 21st and will have at least 10 days off.....YAY!!
tomorrow i am going to try and schedule a fertility massage. meds to start on the 13th.

tonight before bff left to go to dinner i asked my nephew bubba if him mom was having a baby..... he smiled and rubbed my belly and said,"baby"..... i said, "not yet bubba..... but soon."
he smiled back.

this has to work.

2012

2012-01-01T09:02:00.002-05:00

make my dreams come true.....

take home baby in 2012.

that's it.

100!!!

2011-12-21T20:32:00.002-05:00

today i have 100 followers!!

thank you so much ladies for your love and support! it truly means the world to me!

today i am wishing a very merry holiday season to all my bloggy friends out there! you have made me a better person, you have given me strength and you have made me feel more support than i knew possible. thank you ladies for these amazing gifts!

i wish for you and amazing holiday filled with love, luck, and light.

xoxoxxo
always,
jes

ready or not

2011-12-13T16:13:00.002-05:00

we have a schedule ladies and gentlemen. (well, i don't think any men read this blog..... but if you do)

i went this morning for cycle planning and an ultrasound. it's so funny when they do an ultrasound how much they know. she said i ovulated on the right side, probably about two days ago. (which is the same as what i was thinking). and i should get AF in about 12 days.

schedule is as follows
AF to come sometime around dec 23-25
bcp on CD 3
stop bcp on jan 8 (no matter what day i start bcp)
stim start on jan 13 (friday the 13th....)
stim is usually 8 or 9 days
retrieval on jan 23 or 24
we will do icsi and assisted hatching
day 3 transfer of 3 embabies on jan 26 or 27
beta around feb 8

so i am excited and nervous.....

i am at that point where it seems like everyone around me is preggo.... and this is the perfect time for things to happen because our little bambino(s) would have the best little play group..... my playgroup wouldn't be so bad either ;)

i am filled with hope and praying so hard for a take home baby in 2012.

cookies

2011-12-12T22:12:00.002-05:00

thanks so much ladies for your words of encouragement!!!
the cookie party was good. no drama. nothing terrible happened. and i didn't get upset or cry.

we baked all day, and i was exhausted when it was over. but it was great to spend time with my friends. and really nice to hear how much they missed me hanging around :)

for those who are interested..... everyone was responsible for two different kinds of cookies. we were to bake one kind of cookie before the party and bring it with us. and the second, we were to bring the ingredients and recipe to make while we were hanging out.

for the cookies made ahead of time, i made black and whites. and while we were hanging out i made chocolate crackles.
(FYI if you like food blogs, smitten kitchen and bakerella are both awesome!!) both recipes were super easy and so so good.

being brave

2011-12-09T23:34:00.003-05:00

every year my best friend hosts a cookie party. it's one of those holiday cookie swap type parties, where everyone bakes cookies and we go and trade. for several years i was unable to attend because i worked. all. the. time. last year was the first year i was able to attend, and i was totally excited. mostly because last year around christmas time i had taken up eating. i was eating like it was a sport. or maybe my job. i was depressed and trying to dig myself out of the infertile ditch. but, because the party involved baking and eating.... i was all about it. i scan recipes, searched for the perfect cookies to swap. i baked all night the day before.

the morning of the cookie party i woke up with a terrible feeling. you know that feeling when you are getting dressed in the morning. the one that says....."brace yourself... today is going to suck. BAD", and you have no idea why. that was the feeling.

i sat on the couch drinking coffee. playing possible scenarios in my head.
newly married girls at the party: 2. possible pregnancy announcements
girls already with kids: 2. obnoxious stories about diapers and nap time and whining about little sleep and crying children
bitter infertile friend, unable to ever conceive: 1. jokes about being barren
me...... sad. terrified someone will find out my secret. terrified someone will ask me when we are going to have a baby. terrified i might cry for no reason. feeling like this is a really bad idea.

about 20 minutes before i was supposed to leave, bestie texted me....a mass text...for all the girls. something about needing some time..... cookie party postponed an hour. the feeling got worse. something bad. very bad.

i didn't know then. but my best friend's life had changed forever that morning. she would tell me a couple days later.

it's funny. i was so very sad for her before i even knew it.

the cookie party was fine. no pregnancy announcements. no questions about my life. no obnoxious mommy stories. no "barren" jokes. just fun with friends and cookies. bestie suffered in silence. neither of us mentioned it. we put on smiles and got through the day in our own ways.

this year when she invited me to the cookie party i thought about it long and hard. i decided not to go.
thoughts about last years actual events.
pregnant friends: 2. scary.
mommys: 2. soon to be 3. even worse.
bitter infertile friend: 1 (this one is not me). the "barren" jokes are difficult to hear....
nope. not interested.

and then the cookie party was rescheduled.... pushed back, from last weekend to this weekend. and somehow, my attitude changed. these are women i have known for years. all four of them know my struggle. maybe not the details, but they know. and seriously..... i can't really hide from pregnant women. it's not good. i think it's actually bad. i need to surround myself with the things i want in life. i need to be accepting of others who have what i want so badly. be happy for them. not jealous or bitter....

so tomorrow morning, i am going to put on my big girl pants, and bake some cookies with my friends. and if it's terrible, at least i can stuff my mouth full of cookies.

please. wish me luck.

maybe?

2011-12-03T13:09:00.002-05:00

so last month i had surgery and my cervix was dilated.....

and next month we are going to be full force in ivf land.

i was thinking...... maybe....

maybe we could try it the old fashioned way?

dh thought it was cute that i asked..... it's funny, we haven't tried the normal way in so long. obviously, my hopes aren't very high. but, maybe because he dilated my cervix recently..... maybe there's a chance.

today is cd 6.

don't worry i'm not going to get crazy peeing on ovulation strips or preggo tests..... but we could have some fun ;-)

follow up

2011-12-02T22:48:00.002-05:00

today we met with dr. d for follow up from my hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy. everything was good. uterus looked good. biopsy was good. cervix was dilated.
we went through my chart again. dr. d is at a loss as to why it didn't work last time. he seemed pretty upset about that. but we are all ready to make it happen. he said for my amh being so low... my embryos were not bad. and we are going to do the same protocol again.... just a higher dose. hopefully to get more eggs. anid we a going to transfer 3 embryos this time.

so i go back in a week and a half for cycle planning. bcp to start around christmas. starting stims in january. with retrieval and transfer also in january.

COME ON 2012 TAKE HOME BABY!!!!

grrrrrrr

2011-12-01T21:01:00.002-05:00

first off. i have so many new followers!!!! its so awesome!!! welcome!!! thanks for following my story!!
please leave me a comment so i can make sure and follow your story too!! xoxoxox

now. for the grrrrrr.

american baby magazine. GRRRRRR!!!

i don't know how. i don't know when. but i do know, i don't really enjoy opening the mailbox to american baby magazine.

thank you for the reminder. the reminder that this holiday season was supposed to be full of joy and excitement. the reminder that i should be round and glowing. and dreaming of our baby coming soon.

i don't want to be sad when i open the mailbox. i would rather get bills.

welcome iclw

2011-11-20T21:57:00.004-05:00

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i have had some trouble blogging lately. it has been hard. i have been following the same group of ladies for almost 2 years, and lucky for them, most of them have achieved what we are all hoping and wishing for. i am so happy for these women, but it's hard sometimes to look for support from a group of people who are now blogging about something else.....the something i wish for everyday.... the something i have wished for all my life. i am hoping that maybe this iclw will being me some new friends. some new blogs to follow. and the support i need right now.

5. we started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

7. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

8. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

9. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

10. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

11. we started another IVF cycle in September.... September 28th was Rosh Hashana, the jewish new year. and beta day. i was hoping for an amazing start to the new year. instead..... BFN

12. at our WTF appointment i asked our doctor to basically run every test known to man. even if he had run it before. i needed to make sure. everything came back normal. i was happy and sad at the same time.

13. currently i am on a break. i had a hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy less than 2 weeks ago. so this month is a wash. and next month will be crazy enough with work and the holidays i don't want to add fertility drugs to the mix. i'm not into that kind of insanity.
hopefully we will be ready to go again in january. i still have hopes for a take home baby in 2012.

14. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom.

its all i ever wished for.......

mind your own business

2011-11-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

dh and i dated for 7+ years before we were engaged. and for maybe 5 years i endured te question, "when are you getting married."
as if i had some control over it. i mean really, i am not the type of girl who would "pop the question". i would wait. i also wasn't sure if i wanted to get married... at least when we started getting asked the question. i started dating dh at 21. i wasn't really into thinking about marriage for a long time..... maybe around 26 or 27. but the constant question.... the constant nag.

it. drove. me. crazy.

now. we have been married for over 3 years. now we get the dreaded question. you know where i'm going with this.

"are you going to have a baby" or "when are you having a baby."

sometimes i freeze and get all awkward. sometimes i feel my face turn red. and sometimes i fight back tears.

i have come up with a standard response to these questions, and anyone with half a brain usually gets it. usually they stop. my response to people i work with is generally "i hope." and it gets left at that. people don't really know how to respond to an answer like, hopefully we will have kids. to people outside of work my response is something along the lines of "it's not so easy for everyone". which almost always ends the questioning. unless someone has struggled. then i usually rejoice in the feeling that i am not alone.

and then there are the occasional brain dead idiots who push. who don't get it and ask more questions. today i was confronted by such an asshole. a girl i work with. she has asked me several times in the past about having children, to which i always respond with my standard. and today i did the same. usually she leaves it alone, but today after my response, "i hope" she asked what i meant by that.

a flood of answers came running through my head. mostly rude and inappropriate, but it had been a long day. i didn't get upset or sad.

i said, "i have had two miscarriages."

i wanted to follow up with something along the lines of, 'would you like to see pictures of my embryos. the ones that died.'
or
'maybe we could talk about the miscarriage i had on my second wedding anniversary. followed by the d&c on my third.

but that was enough. i could tell, that as i looked her dead in the eyes and said those words, she was done. she felt 2 feet tall. and i felt great. it felt great to put her in her place. to make her understand.

sometimes when i tell people of my loses i feel good. i feel good to share. i feel like i am somehow doing my part, that maybe when i say those words i can make someone feel better. that they are not alone. it may sound crazy, but i just don't think that losing a pregnancy means you are part of a secret club. an unspoken club of women whose hearts have been broken. my heart has broken. and i know i'm not alone.

i don't ever want someone who has felt my pain to ever feel alone.

but at the same time, i feel like people who don't know what it's like to struggle should be put in their place occasionally. i know it wasn't nice for me to burst her bubble at work today. but seriously, some people should just mind their own business.

i didn't fall off the planet

2011-11-14T20:50:00.004-05:00

nope. still here. just nothing really to say. here is an update. bullet point style ;)

* results came back from our bloodwork. all within normal levels. i was happy and sad at the same time. YAY! i dont have an auto-immune disease. or choromosomal abnormalities. or any other crazy thing happening. BOO! i dont have an auto-immune disease. or choromosomal abnormalities. or any other crazy thing happening. so what the fuck gives. same for DH. all normal.

*mid october i called to schedule my hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy. the nurse asked if dh and i had been having "unprotected intercourse". my answer was "umm.... yeah". she said we had to wait until af came around again. seriously. i think we might be ok. whatever.

*when af was 6 days late i called to seeif i could get in for bloodwork.... they asked if i had POAS. "No."
they asked me to POAS and call 3 days later if she still hadn't showed. i had pee sticks in the house from ivf #3. so the next morning as a good girl, i POAS using FMU. before i looked at the test, i wiped, and there she was. fucking bitch.

*so i called to schedule my hysteroscopy. which of course gets scheduled for the most annoying time possible.... so many work conflicts. but, whatever.

*hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy was done on thursday. everything went smooth. no polyps or endometriosis found and cervix dialated. again. (except for the brutal constipation from all the meds....sorry)

*i have decided we will not be cycling in the month of december. i love my husband and don't want to kill him. and i need my job because of the amazing healthcare, i don't want to get fired for yelling at a stupid person. my hair is pretty, i don't want to rip it all out of my head. all things that might happen if i were to add IVF to the rest of the insanity that is december. so maybe i will start bcp in january.

*i have been letting it all hang out so to speak. not worrying about anything IF related since the beginning of october. my break is over.
back to taking care of business. back to weight watchers, prenatal vitamins and all the other supplements. less wine consumption and a little more care of my body and what is left of my egg quality.

i'm still hoping for a 2012 take home baby.....

WTF Appt

2011-10-11T14:16:00.005-04:00

we had it today.

i called yesterday to schedule it.... thinking i had time to finish up on some research i hard started... turns out dr. d is going to a fertility conference tomorrow, so they scheduled it for today. so ready or not, we went. i walked into dr. d's office and he said, "i'm really glad you are still smiling.". meanwhile i was a little scared dh was going to punch dr. d in the head if he didn't hear things he wanted to.

so here it is.... the facts as we know them.
- ivf #1- antagonist protocol. 9 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. ok quality embryos. transferred 2 at day 3. two made to blast and frozen at day 5. biochemical pregnancy. methotrexate shot.
-ivf #2- cancelled due to 2 lead follicles nothing else worth retrieving. (long lupron protocol)
-fet #1- 2 day 5 partially hatched embryos transferred. good quality. pregnancy. blighted ovum. d&c. karyotyping of products of conception came back as normal.
-ivf #3- antagonist protocol higher dosage of meds. 8 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. 2 good quality embryos, 5 not so great. transferred one perfect (no fragmentation) and one very good embryo on day 3. nothing left to freeze.
- AMH is officially low. (.29) FSH is normal
- all other testing has come back within acceptable levels.

the plan
- barrage of testing. dr. d thinks this could be an egg quality issue (low AMH) and also could be an implantation issue.
testing to be done for immune issues related to implantation, as well as clotting disorders. also i asked for karyotyping for both me and dh. (dr. d didn't think it would show anything, but will do it.)
- i mentioned the trouble at transfer time. (being dilated during transfer and the stress that might have caused). dr. d suggested another hysteroscopy to open my cervix back up, and also endometrial biopsy (again to look for implantation issues).
- continue on all vitamins...prenatal, dha, melatonin. add dhea (50mg in morning 25mg at night). dr. d said i could do coq10 if i wanted, but did not think it would help.
-next cycle. higher dosage of meds(same protocol)..... try to get more follicles. no pgd(embryos won't make it...they are better off inside me) day 3 transfer of at least 3 embryos. acupuncture.
- me- i'm going to take care of myself. healthy diet. excersize and yoga. a little red wine every once in a while. little caffiene (i drink 1 cup of decaf almost every day). acupuncture and happy thoughts

i feel good. i am happy with the way things went today. dr. d is doing all the testing i wanted done. (mostly his idea.... just a few things that i brought up). the bottom line is..... i just want this to work.

back to the drawing board

2011-10-02T20:28:00.003-04:00

i had this feeling during most of the 2ww. i guess it started about 5 days after the transfer. i had a feeling it hadn't worked. mostly because my boobs didn't hurt. because my boobs always hurt. i mean always. and there was nothing. but also, it just wasn't the same. i felt too normal, and i was pretty sad about it. i didn't say anything to dh.... i just hoped that i was wrong. still looking for symptoms up until the day before my beta.... then i thought there was a chance.

on tuesday night (the night before my beta) as i was driving home from work i called dh and told him i wanted to POAS. he was not excited and tried to hang up on me. i told him i just wanted it to be us. i said i felt like it wasn't fair.... like we have been cheated out of the experience.... eventually he understood and said ok. i needed his approval for some reason just to buy the damn pee sticks. so i stopped at the drug store and picked up a box of FRER. as soon as i had paid for them i felt like it was wrong, like it was a bad idea.

i got home and we just stared at the box.

we were both too terrified.

i decided to wait.

wednesday morning i woke up nauseous. (it was probably nerves) but it made me hopeful. we went to dr. d's and had blood drawn. when we left, dh went to work, and i went to the beach. i just needed a minute. to breath.
after the beach i went home. and POAS. one line. i hate that fucking line. as soon as i saw it i remembered why we decided no more pee sticks in the house. FUCK!!

i tossed the stick and laid in bed. googling. i looked up fertility clinics all over the U.S. looking at clinics with the highest success rates. and thought about how we manage a cycle in pennsylvania, or texas, or colorado. i wondered if the doctor's in those clinics are wizards or magicians. i thought about how we were going to make this shit happen. i thought about what i could have done wrong. (i know it's not my fault). i didn't cry.

around 1:30 dr. d called. i don't even know what he said. i just remember him saying "i'm sorry". we were probably on the phone for 10 minutes..... i couldn't even concentrate.

i waited a little bit and called dh.

he offered to come home. i said if he wanted to he should, but i was ok. and i think i was.

we had plans for dinner that night. it was rosh hashana. happy fucking new year to me. (not what i had hoped for the new year.). dh asked if i wanted to go still. if he should tell his parents we weren't coming. after i thought about it, i decided i wanted to go. i wanted to eat and drink wine. and drink wine i did. my MIL made sure of that. it was nice. she didn't say a thing (they know everything) she just kept pouring me wine. we got home and i was out....

thursday morning was tough. i just kept telling myself i had to make it through the day. i did. but it wasn't easy.

as i walked in the door from work on thursday i was sobbing.

i haven't scheduled our WTF appt yet. i am not doing it this week. maybe next week.

and then we will see. i am pretty sure we will be sticking with dr. d. and i will be looking into some new accupuncturists.

but basically, we are headed back to the drawing board.

beta day

2011-09-28T14:07:00.000-04:00

BFN

truth be told

2011-09-26T19:32:00.002-04:00

well a couple truths

1. i suck at iclw this month....and i am totally sorry. i just don't have it in me. i even have new followers and i am greatful you are all here and have chosen to follow me on this crazy fucked up journey.... but i just can't do it.

2. the real truth....blogging has gotten really hard for me in the last couple months. around the time i got preggo, many of my fellow bloggers had gotten preggo as well..... i feel like i am the only one who suffered a loss. and then, since my loss..... i think that just about every other blog i read has turned into a pregnancy blog. almost all of you are going to get your miracle soon!!!

ladies, i am so very happy for each and every one of you. i have been reading your stories.... i am following along. i am praying at every step....every beta, every ultrasound. i am happy for you as you graduate to an OB... as you find out the gender... i am rejoicing for you all. and i wish each and everyone of you a take home baby...or 2 :-)

i don't have comments and i don't really have any posts other than updates....this is as much a record for me as it is to connect with others.

i just don't have much to say.... .

and i feel bad about it. i'm sorry

welcome september iclw'ers!!!

2011-09-21T09:26:00.003-04:00

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

5. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

6. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

7. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

8. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

9. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

10. currently we are in the 2ww of ivf #3. i was on bcp for almost 2 months because of cysts on my right ovary. once they dissappeared we got started.... 7 days of stims. egg retrieval went great.... 8 eggs. 7 fertilized. the eighth was an empty zona. and on thursday, september 15th we transfered 2 perfect day 3 embryos. i am praying every day for my miracle.

11. i am feeling pretty good... i am working on my 2ww goals.
a. no stress
b. no POAS- i POAS like mad during ivf #1.... and it was no good. all it did was stress me out and make dh mad. so, since then, we don't even keep pee sticks in the house.... thats what beta's are for.
c. no dr. google. this is most difficult for me. google is like an addiction. i google EVERYTHING!!!!

12. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

i am feeling so lucky that iclw is happening during the hardest days of the 2WW. i am so happy i will be able to have you ladies to share my story with! and to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy :D

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

PUPO

2011-09-15T19:52:00.005-04:00

i woke up early today.... probably nerves. got ready... i was super nervous this time.
we left early for transfer so dh could stop at work to tie up some things before his long weekend.
we left dh's work around 9:10.... i took 2 valium, and started drinking water. i finished one 16 oz bottle of water around 9:35.

we got to dr. d's office at 9:45. the valium had kicked in and i was happy.

they took me back, got me situated and checked my bladder. not full enough. so i had to drink more water. they had me drink two more glasses of water before i was full enough.

dr.d brought in the picture of our embabies.....he said they were the nicest embryos we have ever had!!!! then he told me he didn't think the others would make it, and we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze. (i'm not going to worry about this now..... we don't need to.... this is GOING TO WORK!)

so he told me the drill and then we got started. usually, because of the cervical stenosis, my transfers are not picture perfect, but we get it done. this time it wasn't happening. two different nurses tried to find the catheter with the ultrasound, plus dr. d. it was impossible. then they found it, and dr. d realized it wasn't going into my ute.... it was stuck somewhere in the cervical canal. dr d asked the embryologist to put the embabies back in the incubator. and explained to me that he was going to dilate my cervix and try again in a little bit. he said i would have cramping for about an hour after dilation, so i was just going to hang out until it stopped. we would refill my bladder and start over. he was funny, he said, "these embryos are perfect, and i just don't want to risk anything. the only place they belong is in your uterus."
i asked if it was going to hurt....he said i would feel some cramping.

so then he did the dilation.

wowza!!! cramping!! not really the word. it felt like an ear piercing when the hole closes up, and you have to jam an earring in there.....

except. it. was. in. my. cervix.

WOW!

i took deep breaths and got through it. thank god for valium.
they let me up to pee and then we waited.
i think i started drinking water too soon. after a glass and a half of water i was FULL! dr d asked it i was cramping to or if i just had a full bladder. i told him i wasn't sure if the cramping was because of the bladder or the dilation....i had to pee bad. they had me lay and checked my bladder on ultrasound..... dr. d said he could see how full my bladder was just by looking at my belly.
they checked..... too full..... "just empty a little".

those are the funniest words ever to a woman on valium who has got to pee so bad it hurts.
dh came with me..... and told me when to stop.

i laid down for a few more minutes.... the cramping was finally over.
dr. d came back and asked if we were ready. i said yup and he yelled through the office, "TRANSFER!" all the nurses came running back.

transfer take two went well. almost like a normal transfer. i kept calm and collected the whole time.... i'm quite proud of myself.
in dr. d's office they catheterize to empty the bladder after transfers..... as this is my third transfer, i am used to it.... and it doesn't really hurt at all.... but it seemed to take forever for my bladder to empty.... dr. d stayed and chatted with us and then we had no more small talk left... it was awkward for a couple minutes, but finally my bladder was empty. they made me comfortable and everyone left room.
i put on my relaxing music....and was asleep in no time. dh said i probably slept for about 40 minutes. when the nurse came in to get me, she had to wake me up. everyone was happy i slept. especially me.

dh was anxious to get home.... he kept saying i just want you to be in our bed now. we were on our way home at 1:15.
we got home and dh made me a nice warming lunch. tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich....Yum.

now i am just relaxing... happy our babes are with me.... and praying they stick around, forever.

here is their first photo.... i love them already <3

(not the best quality photo... it's a picture of a picture. sorry)

Transfer done!!!

2011-09-15T13:08:00.002-04:00

My 2 perfect embabies are home with me. Transfer was not as easy as it has been in the past. I will write about it later, and post a picture of our embies....
Right now I am going to rest and make sure these two are comfy and ready for the long haul.
:-)

Fertilization report

2011-09-13T12:41:00.004-04:00

So there is good news and not so good news.....
First the not so good.... When we started talking about this cycle we had all agreed on a 5 day transfer. Recently dr d made major changes to the way they do things. They have gone back to PIO for all patients and I am now finding out that they have decided to do only day 3 transfers. I am definitely a little disappointed as we were expecting the other.... I am waiting for dr d to call me back so we can talk about it.... I just want to understand his decision.

The good news..... Of the 8 eggs retrieved... 7 fertilized!!!
We are so happy!!!
YAY!!
(please excuse me if this post is crazy....typed it on my iPhone)

retrieval day

2011-09-12T17:32:00.002-04:00

not feeling so hot, but wanted to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement, and your thoughts, hopes and prayers..... it means so much...xoxo
they got 8 eggs, and hubs has super sperm.
they will call tomorrow with the fertilization report
we made babies today <3

a little nervous

2011-09-11T21:52:00.002-04:00

hoping it's a smooth and easy morning.....
your prayers are appreciated tomorrow morning :-)
xoxo

dreaming of these beautiful slippers......wish i had them for after the retrieval!

trigger - DONE

2011-09-10T11:37:00.006-04:00

i am celebrating our trigger!! last time we did an ivf cycle, we didn't make it this far. so YAY!!!

another ultrasound today......

lining: 10.5
right ovary: still one, but it's a good one @ 23
left ovary: 21,19,18,18,18 and 28!!!! no wonder i feel like i'm gonna pop at any minute!

hubs did some research and found out how big a millimeter is..... a dime is 17 millimeters, and a nickel is 21.
so basically, i've got about $1's worth of follies in my ovaries

here are some of my follies! xoxo

so bloated

2011-09-09T19:37:00.003-04:00

really. just. so. bloated.
every time i unzip my pants i feel better. every time i pee, it feels like there is a battle going on inside. a battle between my ovaries and my bladder. my bladder is winning though :-) i just keep drinking.....lots of water

back to dr. d this morning.
lining : 10
right ovary: still one follie....it's at 21
left ovary: they counted 12 follies ths morning! 21,19,18,16,16,15 plus a few smaller.

dr. d wanted to wait and see what my bloodwork looked like before making a decision about when to trigger. so they gave me instructions for plan a, and plan b. as it's friday, they covered all the bases.

plan a: trigger tonight, retrieval sunday morning.
plan b: trigger saturday night, retrieval monday morning.

i was a little stressed about the thought of triggering tonight.....with only 4 follies big enough, it made me kind of sad. waiting one exrta day for the 16's to catch up would make me so much more happy. i took the long way home.....i was going to drive along the beach (always calms me down) on my drive home the follies started another battle against the bladder. i had to detour off the beach and haul ass home.

it felt like the afternoon took forever, but finally they called.
plan b!!! YAY!!
E2: 1325 P4: stayed about the same....yesterday it was someting like .38
they split up my menopur for today.....4 vials at 2:30 and another 4 vials later tonight.
i did the ganirelix early this morning.

we go back tomorrow morning for one more check, and it looks like trigger will be at 8:30 tomorrow evening. i'm wicked excited to give myself a trigger shot in the middle of saturday night rush (have to work tomorrow night). that's gonna be pretty interesting. there is nothing more gross to me than a restaurant bathroom.....ew yuck.... it's totally worth it though...

2011-09-08T10:41:00.002-04:00

Lining 10
Left ovary: 8 follies..... Dr D looked excited as he did my scan looking at the left ovary.... He said it looked really good!
18,15,15,15,12, plus more.
Right ovary: 1 follie. 17.4.

Started ganirelix on Tuesday.
They said probably done with bravelle. Will most likely start 525iu (7 vials!) menopur tonight.
Another ultrasound tomorrow to decide if we trigger Friday for Sunday retrieval or trigger Saturday for Monday retrieval. I would like to see us pushed to Monday retrieval so those follies can get a little bigger. :-)

Feeling ok today. Super bloated, but not so tired today.... Which is nice.

Grow follies Grow!!!!

moving right along

2011-09-06T12:00:00.002-04:00

lining 4.5
left ovary: 7 follies: 14,14,12,12,11 & 2 smaller
right ovary is lazy: one at 15 and one not big enough to measure.

ganirelix to start soon.

have been doing 4 vials bravelle in the morning and 3 vials menopur in the evening.
retrieval will most likely be sunday or monday.

waiting on E2 and instructions

starting to feel a little bloated and pretty tired

hoping for a little more activity in the folicle department.

first day of stims

2011-09-02T20:48:00.003-04:00

i can't believe we are finally here.... 2 months of bcp could make any girl go crazy. i thought we would never get here, but, here we are.....bravelle was this afternoon, after i got home from dr. d's. menopur is happening right after i post this. (not looking forward to the burn).

we are doing 300iu Bravelle and 225iu Menopur to start.

ultrasound was all clear.....i just wish i would stop AF bleeding already.

now that hubs has popped his injection cherry (PiO from our last cycle was the first time he gave me a shot) he is all about the shots....i however am not at all interested in him giving me a shot in the belly. i am happy to do it myself :)

hoping for some help

2011-08-28T21:43:00.003-04:00

dh and i went to visit the famous Ripley's Fertility Statues!!

i have read about the statues on other IF blogs and recently found out they were so close... i mean 3 hours is nothing. i was thinking we could just make a day of it... and i wanted to do it before our upcoming cycle. but then we were invited to a weekend away with dh's family in north florida... so, i nervously asked dh if we could make a detour to orlando (an hour and a half out of the way) to touch the statues... (i was afraid he was going to call me crazy) to my surprise he didn't think i was crazy at all, and we went!!

the statues are in the lobby of the orlando ripley's..... it was nice that we didn't have to do the whole museum.... if you've seen one ripley's i think you have seen them all.

i was so excited!! we signed the guest book, i rubbed the statues and then told dh he had to do it too... he was happy to rub the lady statues boobs (such a boy sometimes) then we took a couple pictures.... a few of the employee's came out and wished us luck.... it was great :)

all clear:edited

2011-08-23T22:20:00.003-04:00

my asshole cyst (on my right ovary) is gone! well almost. it was a shriveled up little piece of nothing today. which means we are finally good to go!

last bcp will be on saturday morning, the 27th.
baseline ultrasound and cycle start on friday september 2nd.
lots of monitoring the week of the 5th.
last time i stimed for 8 days and this time my menopur and bravelle doeses are higher. which lead me to believe i will again stim for 8 days. which puts us at retrieval on monday, september 12. and transfer on saturday september 17. i have taken the whole week off work..... just in case.
i am so ready.

two bcp

2011-08-17T00:24:00.002-04:00

i wish i had someone take a picture of me this morning when the nurse at dr. d's office told me to take 2 bcp each day for the next couple of days. i wish that i could have seen my reaction.

i wanted to throw a brick at her head!

seriously..... isn't it bad enough that i am on my fourth consecutive week of birth control pills. that i have been spotting since june 28th. (with the exception of the 5 days when i had my period.). that i am basically a stark raving lunatic at any given moment on any given day. TWO!! you want me to take TWO pills a day! i truly thought my head was going to spin around exorcist style.

please say a prayer for my dear hubs. please say a prayer that i make it through the craptastic-ness that is birth control pills.

there is good news though! the bcp have been doing their job. right side is looking much better...... only one cyst now and it is drastically smaller than it was a few weeks ago(20mm this morning) it is small enough for them to proceed, but they are throwing in an extra week of torture for good measure :-)

hopefully going to start meds around september 2nd.....retrival week of the 12th. i'm ready

birth control is the devil

2011-08-11T13:06:00.003-04:00

first of all, the fact that i am taking bcp at all is rediculous. all i want is a baby.
i love going to the pharmacy to get my Rx for bcp and prenatals at the same time.... the poor pharmacist didn't know what to do..

second of all, i am a crazy psycho bitch right now.... i have been for a couple weeks. i doesn't take much to set me off. and when it happens, i am instantly yelling. (generally i am not a yeller. i am a libra. calm, cool, collected. i talk about things not yell). i am starting to feel bad for the hubs, as obviously he is taking the brunt of the bat shit craziness.
zero to bitch is happening faster than you can even count to one.

yesterday someone cut me off while driving and i almost got out of the car. i saw myself walk up to their window, bang like a psycho and then i saw myself scream obsenities while punching them in the face. i almost did it. instead i rolled down my window and called them names. but really, i wanted to get out of the car... i was to afraid the douchebag was going to have a gun and shoot me in the head....

i hate bcp.... i hate it.

i think i have like 10-12 more days.... hopefully i come out on the other end with all my hair still on my head, and a husband that still loves me.

i have learned

2011-08-10T22:23:00.003-04:00

i was propostitioned yesterday..... not in the gross, dirty way. it was at work.
they asked me if i wanted my old job back. lots more money than i make now, lots more responsibility than i have now (which is none), and a lot more time at work. when i was laid off 2 years ago i was working 50-60 hours a week.

i almost laughed.... right at my boss...

and then the smartest thing i have said in a long time came out of my mouth....and i didn't really even think about it, it just came out.
i told my boss that the last 2 years of my life have been maybe the hardest years i have had, but i have learned how to fight for what i want. i have learned that the things i want in life are worth the fight....and that job is settling.

i will not settle

infertility made me strong enough to say that. infertility gave me the fight.
i am a stronger person than i was 2 years ago.

my boss had no idea what i was talking about in terms of my struggle.... but that didn't matter. at the end of our conversation he told me that he respected me more for saying no. that he understood my desicion and wished that he had been able to make that choice for himself. to get out of a job he didn't love. to fight for more.

i will have my dream job. i will be a mom. and i will fight for the things i want....

getting started

2011-08-08T16:29:00.002-04:00

for some reason, with every cycle we have had, the day that i set up delivery for our meds is the day that it feels real. so today it feels real.....ivf #3, here we come! may the 3rd time be a charm! (i am hoping and praying with everything in me that the third time is truly a charm).

the bcp's are making me crazy...... i HATE them the most out of all the meds..... for some reason i truly feel like the bcp are the absolute worst part.....luckily it's the first part and so much easier after they are done. my pack is over on friday....but i have to start on a new pack on saturday..... more craziness awaits! i kinda feel bad for the hubs because he feels the worst of the crazy time :) lucky for him, he is going away this weekend.... off to catch lobsters in the keys.... i hope he gets a lot!! i love love love florida lobsters!

our next ultrasound is scheduled for aug 16th..... then we will know what is going on with the giant cysts that opened up shop on my right ovary.....hopefully the bcp have sucked the life out of them and we can get this show on the road....if so, we will get our schedule that day, i hope. i believe dr. d wants me on bcp until the 23rd. perfect timing for AF to arrive for our little beach vacation the last weekend in august :)

3rd times a charm..... please!

does the feeling come back ever???

2011-08-05T22:26:00.003-04:00

the feeling in your backside...... does it ever come back?? i did PIO shots for about 7 weeks, but it's been almost 6 weeks since

i mean there is feeling there......but it's different...strange....not like the rest of my skin.

what gives?

sock it to me

2011-07-27T21:39:00.005-04:00

i found a new blog.

well, not so much found a blog, as it was shown to me. Jem, at Ambition:Motherhood blogged about her finding.
And she is right.
the smartness is pretty freaking smart :)

and she is doing this thing......

i think it's awesome!!! stop by and check it out!!!

I AM WICKED EXCITED!!!!

i hope you all participate!

cysts

2011-07-26T20:50:00.004-04:00

two giant cysts.

one 42 mm one 38 mm. both on the right ovary.

they took blood, follow up ultrasound next week. if they are smaller, good. will proceed with ivf #3. if they stay the same size, or get bigger we will have them aspirated. it sounds painful.....hopefully it's no big deal.

bottom line..... ivf #3. still on! this will not slow us down! thank the lord!

other good news.... my ute looked BEAUTIFUL! as soon as the wand was in i could tell. maybe in a previous life i was an ultrasound tech, because even i could tell that it looked damn good! no tissue left over. she is ready for some beautiful embabies to find a nice home. :-)

blood work

2011-07-24T21:04:00.003-04:00

when i have blood taken the nurses always make fun of me. because i hate having tape or a bandaid put on after the blood draw. i always tell them, no thanks..... usually there is some smart ass comment about it..... i don't care.... we have fun. i am glad that i have that kind of relationship, where they know they can make fun of me, and i won't get upset...... but at the same time, they are making fun of me. and the bottom line is, i have really sensitive skin.... it leaves a crazy mark.

friday, i luckily remembered before work that i had to do day 3 blood work..... (day 2 since it was friday) so i ran to the lab. of course i was wearing a white sweater, and of course they took forever to call me back, so i had them put the tape on, as i didn't want to bleed all over my white sweater and i was late for work. when i finally got a chance to take the tape off. this is what happened..........

it looks crazy!! (you can see my cute little puppy in this picture too... love him)

can't believe it

2011-07-22T08:58:00.002-04:00

i woke up yesterday feeling better than i have felt in weeks. it was nice. i wasn't bloated. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sad or uncomfortable. i was good.
i didn't really think anything about it.....until around 2 o'clock, when i went to the bathroom. there she was......AF!

i was shocked! i was at BF's house and she heard me in the bathroom talking to myself because i was so shocked.... i didn't expect AF for a while.... if at all. usually after treatments it takes FOREVER to get a period. i was expecting to call next week to get some provera, but there she was. i could have paid attention to all the signs.....clearly i had PMS.....i was such a bitch the last couple days. the bloat went away. and i look like a teenager with the breakout i got.

isn't it funny how IF makes you want to call everyone you know when AF comes....
it's really the strangest thing.....i was so excited i could have posted it on my FB wall.....clearly, i didn't.
BF already knew, so i had to call DH.....not sure why, but i felt like i should tell him. and i called dr. d's office.
the nurse was so excited!
i am to start BCP tomorrow....CD3. and we go in tuesday for ultrasound and cycle planning.
we are doing antagonist protocol (ganirelix)..... so i went back and looked at what my last cycle looked like.
30 days after i started BCP we had retrieval.....
It's crazy! i was not expecting that! but i'm wicked excited about it.....
ready to get this show on the road

3rd times a charm.......i hope

2011-07-19T11:42:00.002-04:00

ivf nurse called this morning.... all in a tizzy. she was back from 2 weeks vacation, and catching up on everything that happened while she was gone. she got the ball rolling for ivf #3.
- bloodwork for DH
- day 3 bloodwork and thyroid pannel (i asked for this to be included) for me
- bcp rx called in
- meds will be ordered tomorrow
- i am to call when AF shows up. if she doesn't show by wednesday next week they will order provera to get the show on the road.
- i was given oreders to not leave south florida in late august and all of september

i am ready!
well, i would like to loose a few pounds, but other than that i am ready to move forward.
hopefully AF will help me loose a few pounds, the bloat is pretty bad.

this is gonna be the one.

25 and done

2011-07-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

had beta on thursday ..... it came back at 25. a nurse called today as i was walking into work, to say they don't think i need another beta.... i'm done.

i'm sad. i was sad all day.

i am to call dr. d's office when AF comes.

back to the drawing board

2011-07-13T21:49:00.001-04:00

i feel like so much is going on and at the same time nothing is going on.... there are too many thoughts so i think this will have to be bullet points.

* I never spoke to "J" he has only brought up his wifes pregnancy once, and it was weird. i think he is scared shitless, and quite frankly, i don't want to scare him anymore with horror stories of miscarriage and sadness. if i have to address it i will, but for now, i am just going to leave it alone.

* we had tissue from my D & C sent to a lab to test for chromosomal abnormalities. everything came back normal. dr. d was pleased with this result, but also seemed a little frustrated. also with that testing, they determined the sex. luckily, dr. d asked if we wanted to know. the answer was "NO" i just didn't think it was a smart idea. i think it would have made me sad all over again. and sad in a new a different way. i keep thinking about it...... i think about calling to find out. but i won't do it.

* beta on friday was 146...... they think i will only need one more beta. i am going tomorrow.

* i gained 7 pounds from the start of stims for the FET. but for some reason, i feel like i gained 20. all of my pants are so tight....it's killing me. there is no way that 7 pounds should do this..... i was falling out of my fat clothes when we started.

* dh and started working out. we are doing the couch to 5 k program. i think people who run are strange, so far it sucks, but i keep doing it. i have to loos those 7 pounds and all the extra bloat that is going on here..... it's disgusting!!

* i am hoping AF shows up sooner than later.... it may help with the bloat.

* i am taking a break from acupuncture. i will start again probably in august. i just stopped going. they don't even know what happened.....

* dh and i have decided to stay with dr. d moving forward. there was always a chance we would go elsewhere after this FET, but they have treated us so well, and they know us, and we know them.

* as soon as AF arrives we will have a better time table, but it looks like we will be doing a fresh cycle sometime in september.
dr. d says he wants to shoot for a day 5 transfer since all our embryo's were so great last time....which i am super happy about, and they are putting together an order for my meds.
hopefully AF gets her ass in gear and shows up soon..... dh's little sister is getting married at the end of october and it will be the wedding of the year.... the royal wedding take two. i don't want things to interfere with that :)

* i want to smoke cigarettes. i know..... it's awful and disgusting. i have been a non-smoker for 2 and a half years.... the past couple weeks have been a test. it has definitely been hard. and i know that smoking is no good. no good at all. but, i really want to.

* i have some new followers!!! welcome!! thanks for joining!! it's awesome!

* i have to say thank you..... thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. it has kept me going the last couple weeks. i just don't know how to show my gratitude for all the love... and a special thanks to gurlee and mrs. d for sending out love the way that you did!!

2011-07-11T22:05:00.001-04:00

i wanted a perfect ending. but now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity. -gilda radner

timeline of torture

2011-07-02T19:57:00.004-04:00

thursday june 16: ultrasound showing 1 gestational sac, nothing else visible.

sunday june 18: fathers day. a day i was hoping to celebrate. a day spent with family. silently fearful.

monday june 20: coworker, j, comes to work telling people his wife POAS stick on saturday......they got two BFP. coworker did not tell me, but i overheard him telling other people at work. was happy for him. they started trying in april.

wednesday june 22: my ultrasound revealing empty gestational sac. very sad day.

friday june 24: again overheard j talking to a coworker. he was telling someone they had an ultrasound that morning and had seen the sac. made me kind of sad. a little jealous. a little later that same day i got a phone call from my IVF pharmacy, confirming the shipment of my rhogam shot. i was done. i went and hid. and cried. the rhogam shot for some reason made it real to me. i had lost the pregnancy.

saturday june 25: people at work talking about j and his wife's pregnancy. bleck!

monday june 26: pre-op dr visit. lots of talk about moving forward with future ivf. i had to work after the appointment. i was destroyed. "j" was talking to me about "when they have a baby" (he had not officially shared the news with me and i did everything possible to keep him from telling me, i was conveniently busy, each time he tried to talk to me) while at work. i suffered through the conversation, barely. also, suffered through the day. it was hard. at home after work dh and i got in an argument, about nothing. then i showered and had a cleansing cry......i got the worst sadness out, i hope.

tuesday june 28: D & C. pregnancy gone at 8 weeks 6 days.

thursday june 30: rejoined the living world after two full days at home in bed. worked, was complimented by corporate muckety-muck. had a great day.

friday july 1: full day back at work. when "j" arrived at work he told me. "we saw a heartbeat today jes.".
i was DESTROYED. immediately there was a lump in my throat, i was shaking and sweating. it was the worst thing i could have heard.....i was not prepared. i calmly, unable to look at "j" said, "congrats, thats awesome.". and then i ran away.
i had to hide for quite a while. i had to tell my boss i needed a minute.
i sobbed. i was so upset that i knew i just needed to cry it out. i knew i couldn't hold it in. it took me about a half an hour to pull myself together. but i don't think anyone knew about it. thank god.

i think i have to say something. i just don't think i can handle pregnancy updates. i think that "j"'s good news might be difficult for quite a while. and i don't want to be an emotional wreck every time "j" mentions something to me, or for that matter tries to speak to me at all.

so... i'm trying to work this out. figure out how to tell "j" (someone who i really like, and have known for 10+ years) about my loss, about my needs, without being a complete psycho. and without hurting his feelings or scaring him to death. and also ensuring everyone else at my work doesn't find out about it.

its over

2011-06-28T19:23:00.001-04:00

d & c was this morning, at 7 am.
i'm glad it's over.

last night i had a really good cry. well, it wasn't good....it was really bad. but, i think i got it out. i sat in the shower and cried. i cried for so long i had to get out because there was no more hot water. dh was concerned. but i needed it. and i'm glad i cried yesterday, and not today while i was in the surgical center.

everything went smooth.

dr. d was so nice today. they wheeled me into the O.R. very awake. he held my hand and talked to me until i fell asleep. it was really nice. the other people in the surgical center were very nice as well.

when i woke up i was in a lot of pain, and was instantly in tears. the nurse asked if i wanted a narcotic... i said yes. she gave me the rhogam shot (i am rh-) and fentanil (for pain). i was back asleep for a little bit. i woke up again and asked for dh. she got me out of the recovery area and into a post op area where dh was waiting for me :D

in post op the cramps were terrible. i just wanted to go home. dh asked when i could leave. they said i had to finish my i.v.
they had put pitocin in my i.v. which has caused me terrible cramps all day. i guess they gave me pitocin to shrink my uterus back to normal size, but having contractions all day has not been pleasant.
thank god for percocet.

we had some of the tissue that was removed today sent to a lab. it will be tested for chromosomal abnormalities. we should get the results next week at our post-op with dr. d.

thanks so much to everyone for your kind thoughts over the last few days. it has really helped. you all have a special place in my heart..... i am so grateful i have the support of people who understand what it's like.

happy anniversary

2011-06-26T20:45:00.004-04:00

the d&c is scheduled for tuesday. which happens to be june 28th. my wedding anniversary.

of course.

last year we planned a trip to the keys for our anniversary. we had just finished ivf #1. we had found out that it was a bust. and 2 days before we were to leave for our trip to the keys we found out that i needed a methotrexate shot. we had to come home early from our trip so that i could go to a doctors appointment.....it was great.

so obviously. i just knew i would start bleeding while we were on vacation. we didn't even make it to key west. half way there we stopped at our favorite restaurant in islamorada.....i went to the bathroom and found a massacre. we weren't even fucking there yet!! i half of our trip i spent self medicating. advil, scotch, and sun. the other half i spent in bed, with tears in my eyes.
Happy 2nd Anniversary.

so when they called on thursday to say the d&c would be tuesday....i wasn't even surprised. i texted dh to let him know. he responded with, "great. not like we have anything else going on." (holy sarcasm batman!)
dr. d is going away at the end of next week. and i know hey have a busy week. and i know they squeezed this in. because it is necessary. and i just didn't have it in me to ask for a different day.
we decided we would celebrate our anniversary today instead.

we planned to go kayaking. and then go to dinner. i was super excited!
we got up early, and dh called the place we were going to go kayak. they said the river was so low (it hasn't rained in a while.....until today, of course) that we would do more dragging a kayak than we would do paddling a kayak. so, no kayaking.

we decided to go to breakfast. i wanted eggs benedict.
we went to the seagate hotel. a local hotel. we know the executive chef and the sous chef, but we have never been. its a chic little boutique hotel in our downtown area. great reviews for both the restaurant and hotel. mostly busy with weddings and large out of town groups..... and GORGEOUS!! i was excited.
we sat and ordered breakfast.....dh didn't think either of our friends would be there, so we didn't even ask.
i got up to used the ladies room....and there was adam. the chef. the best part about dh and i being in the restaurant business is knowing people. everywhere. and the v.i.p. treatment when you know people :D
breakfast was awesome.... i had an eggs benedict trio. a crab, a lobster and a steak benedict. with fresh fruit. i also drank 3 cups of decaf coffee. possibly my favorite part. haven't had any coffee....not even decaf since may 14th ( i know sad that i know the date).
after when we finished the waitress said our check had been taken care of.... so awesome! we stopped at the kitchen to thank adam for breakfast and his hospitality. he asked if we had time, and offered us a tour.
we walked through the kitchen which was AMAZING and so big. i know restaurant kitchens not hotel kitchens.....it was a monster.
we went through the banquet areas, spa and pool area. then he took us up to see some of the rooms. the presidential suite and a couple other suites. soooo cool.
it was great to see adam and so fun to get a little behind the scenes tour.
when we were leaving adam asked when we were going to have some kids.... i said, "we are working on it. it's not so easy for some people"
he was a little shocked by my response but it made me feel good.... it made me feel good to say it. as nice as possible, not bitchy, but more of a hey, this is our struggle kind of thing.
after breakfast we stopped at a consignment shop....i am looking for a dresser and bureau for our bedroom that i can refinish and make my own....i was so excited dh was even interested in going with me.
we came home to relax, go for a swim and hang out with puppy.
later we went to an early dinner. i wanted lobster....
it was soooo good. i had a 3 pound lobster and dh had a 4 pound stuffed lobster. ridiculous and delicious. excited about the leftovers for a little lobster salad... yum!
when we got home i started laundry, and dh decided he was ready to clean out his closet. ( i know, it's crazy, but i have been begging him to clean his closet for months....i told him it would be the best part of our anniversary!). wow was he ready! i have never seen dh let go of so much stuff. i am a fan of purging..... clothes don't have a major shelf life with me. and dh is the type that just holds on. he filled 3 garbage bags with clothes he doesn't wear anymore! it was great.
today was a great day....
i'm so happy we had it.
because the next three days will probably be shitty.

next year....maybe we will go on a cruise, or hopefully a staycation (if i am preggers).... i just know it must be better than the last two anniversaries. (no more ivf in may for us, at this point we would be asking for another crappy anniversary)

2011-06-22T20:59:00.003-04:00

we started a list of baby names that DH didn't mind

we started looking at cars..... because mine is not acceptable for a child to be in. EVER.

i pee'd on a digital pee stick, that i had been holding on to for way too long. it said the words i have longed to see..... "PREGNANT"

i planned to tell my husbands family the good news over father's day weekend.

we talked about how the house would get rearranged.

i tried not to get excited..... i really tried. but i did. i was excited. and truly happy.

on thursday we had the first ultrasound. i was pumped. i was ready to see something amazing. as soon as the wand went in i started to breath heavy. almost a panic. it wasn't good. and i knew it immediately.
we saw one sac. and that was about it. there was a fuzzy little something when dr. d moved the wand in a certain direction. he said maybe. maybe next week we will see more. as we left the office the mood had changed. when we walked in, it was a feeling of excitement. happiness. when we left it was quiet. sad.
i knew it was a long shot.

i prepared for the worst. because basically, it was the worst.

today we went back for the follow up. a week later.
maybe we will see something.
dr. d came in hopeful. he said he was thinking about us all week. dh saw him say a little prayer before he stuck the wand in.
and there it was.
a sac.
just a sac. nothing else.
dr. d typed the words "empty sac" on the ultrasound screen. he said he was going to look carefully.
so we sat there while he looked...... all i saw were those words. empty sac. everywhere he looked. and it was. completely empty.

dr. d was sad. almost defeated. he said he was so sorry, and said to meet us in his office when we were ready. the nurse left with dr. d but first wished us condolences as well. she looked so sad, as if she was going to cry. she quickly left the room.

i don't know why, but the way that they tried to console us made me laugh. as they left the room i had tears in my eyes. but i was giggling.
maybe it was nervous laughter. maybe self preservation. i'm not quite sure. but it was pretty funny.

we got it together and went to speak with dr. d.
it's kind of a blur that conversation. and i am glad dh was there so maybe i can remember more of what he said when i'm ready.

things i do know.
D & C sometime next week.
the tissue will be sent to a lab for biopsy.
i get pregnant with ivf.....now we need to figure out how to keep me pregnant.
dr. d is determined to figure out how to make it happen.
fresh cycle in 2ish months.
dh is the best man i know.

2011-06-22T08:47:00.001-04:00

Please lord. Let there be a healthy baby in me. Please.

ultrasound

2011-06-16T13:56:00.003-04:00

1 sac.

couldn't tell if there was anything in it.

they did bloodwork.....hcg and p4.

dr.d said i shouldn't worry......it could definitely be too early.

we follow up next week.

i am to continue as i have been doing....and stay positive.

1 week to first ultrasound

2011-06-09T19:55:00.005-04:00

please lord let this week go by quickly!!
it's all that goes through my head......as of today we have one more week left in the worst 2 week wait ever.
next thursday is our first ultrasound and i am so scared. excited. nervous. anxious.

this week has been ok.

i have been working two jobs for the last 8ish months. once or twice a week i wait tables at a high end steak house. i have not worked since we started this FET. (since transfer week). i jsut didn't want to deal with the stress of worrying if i was lifting too much or worrying if i could find someone to help me. so once we had the last beta, dh and i talked about my second job. we decided it's just not worth it. so, i needed to quit.
i put it off as long as i could, because i was nervous about quitting. i was scared they would think i was a jerk, or not understand. so on tuesday i went to speak to my boss. (he knew about our situation). i told him it was "good". (because i am not ready to say the words quite yet to anyone but dh.). he was so happy. i said right now the list of things i am not allowed to do is much greater than the list of things i am allowed to do.....so i just can't work. he said fine, no problem.....but he wasn't going to terminate me. he said he would just keep me on. just not schedule me. that way, if i want to come back, anytime, i could....no paperwork needed. i was so suprised and happy.
then i thanked him.... i thanked him for being so great with me for the last year and a half. for not fucking with me, and scheduling me when i wanted, and not scheduling me when i wanted. i was in tears trying to share my appreciation....and then he was in tears. i told him i didn't think there were words for my level of appreciation.
i went in sick to my stomach, and left happier than i could think..... it was so nice.

i have been blowing off a friend of mine this week.....she knew beta's were coming up last week....but was out of the country. now she is back and has left a couple messages. i am just not ready to say it. (i mean there are a few people who know.... dh's parents (because he works for them, they know everything, that way dh can go to all appointments with me), my mom, dh's bestie, and my bestie.).
is it crazy i am afraid to say it out loud?? i am scared to say it.
but i feel like a bit of a douche about it......i have just been blowing her off.

(a little about symptoms...sorry. i have to write it somewhere)
this week i have had days of nausea and days of feeling fine. mostly feeling fine, which totally makes me even more nervous.

i changed prenatal vitamins this week, which i think has led to some constipation.... i think i am getting it under control.

yesterday the nausea got pushed to the next level, by the smell of dog food. i have been feeling like if i get sick, maybe i will feel better. WRONG! just felt more sick. i have realized i just can't eat too much at all....i am snacking constantly....no real meals... thats when i want to be sick.

i think my boobs grew overnight last night. and. they are standing up a little more. it feels like i got implants when i wasn't paying attention!!

i have also realized my pants are getting a little tighter....but only in the evening. in the morning they are fine...when i get home from work i just can't wait to get out of my clothes!

i am a sleeper. i have always been a hard sleeper. my whole life. i think this is the worst change happening. i am not usually one who gets up in the night to pee or get a drink. but lately, i am awake to pee at least once a night if not more. and the other day i woke up because i was thirsty! really! thirsty?! never in my life. it made me angry....which made it harder to go back to sleep. i have also been tossing and turning....unable to stay comfortable. left side. right side. covers on. covers off. it's not so fun

the pio is getting a little more difficult..... but still 100% better than the dreadful endometrin! it feels like the top layer of skin is feeling a little numb, and under the skin, welts. not big, but they are there. in the morning, as i roll out of bed....thats when i really feel it! for some reason, thats when it hurts the most.

i've been reading blogs this week, but not commenting too much. i am sorry. but know that i am reading and paying attention. :D
xoxo

tomorrow.....6 weeks! (i think. 6 weeks ago was cycle start) :D

scared

2011-06-05T21:45:00.004-04:00

i'm just scared.

such good news, and i really am trying to stay positive, but really, it's hard.

10 days til the ultrasound. i thought the 2ww was hard. this is terrible. i hope these next 10 days go fast.

so i have been feling ok. not great.
nausea comes and goes everyday. (it's worse when i'm in the car) i have been eating close to every 2 hours, just to keep from feeling sick....
the gas is horrendous!! that's all i can say.....horrendous.
i get tired a lot lately too.
and then there is the feeling.....it's like a constant feeling that something is going on in my ute. it feels kinda cool.
i hope the feeling stays. i don't want it to go away!

Beta #3

2011-06-02T17:36:00.002-04:00

when we got to dr.d's office this morning all the girls were soooo excited. it was awesome.
after they took my blood, they scheduled my ultrasound.

i told them i didn't want to wait long, but would rather wait until the chance is better that we will see a heartbeat. sooooo, we have to wait two weeks. ultrasound was scheduled for June 16th. (6w6d)

then the waiting began......

i called best friend and asked her to entertain me for the day...... i needed something to do, as i didn't have to work.

around 12:30 i started to watch the clock. 1:30 they still hadn't called. 1:45 i was starting to panic...... i was getting afraid of bad news. 2:00 i texted one of the girls in the office. i told her i was starting to freak out.
she said they just got results and would call soon, and everything was fine:)

half an hour later the phone FINALLY rang.

they said it was good news!!

701!!

i was so excited my whole body was shaking. i couldn't even help it.

bestie had a friend at her house when i got the call....it was funny. i didn't want to say anything in front of "L" so i took the call privately. bestie's hubs came out of his office and did a little dance so "L" didn't see, and when "L" had her back turned to bestie, she did the same little dance. they were so cute xoxo

please lord let this 2 weeks go by quickly and with no reason for me to panic. and please lord let these next 34-36 weeks be uneventful and full of happiness, with a healthy little baby g (the oatmeal raisin baby) growing perfectly inside me.

15dp5dt update

2011-05-31T15:37:00.001-04:00

so many things going on in my head. just have to make a list.......

*i decided the endometrin was killing my "queen victoria". she just couldn't take it anymore. so, as of sunday night, i have switched to PIO.
i was terrified. so many horror stories about the shots. and really it has been fine. the first day it hurt about a half an hour afterwards, but yesterdays shot was easy peasy.....and no pain afterwards. i think that dh is loving giving me a shot in the ass!!

*i have been feeling so sick. nausea, heartburn, indigestion, gas......it's terrible!

*friday was our first beta..... i was so happy that i was able to talk the nurses into letting me come in before the 3 day weekend, because i knew i would be going crazy if i had to wait until today. so we went for the bllod test.....i asked them to call dh with the results. i just thought it would be better if he told me. so he came home from work after he found out the results.
"it was positive but low" he said. "46"
i was pretty sad.....thats how it started last year after ivf #1. low beta that turned to shit. he said that the nurse said it was still super early because i made them push up the beta. and she had seen many pregnancies go to term after a low first beta. so i was given instructions to continue meds and "stay positive". (much easier said that done)

*i made i through the weekend unscathed.....tears only once, and really i had no idea why i was crying!

*beta #2 was today. and the news was ....

GREAT!!!!!!

they were hoping for anything over 150. my beta came back today at 289.
what a beautiful number!!
my favorite, the receptionist called to tell me. she said "guess what". i asked what? and she screamed, "you are definatly pregnant!"
i was instantly in tears. she asked if i wanted her to call dh, and all the other girls in the office were in the background laughing and cheering. it was awesome.

*we go back thursday for beta number three.

today i am so happy!!!!

edometrin

2011-05-28T22:28:00.002-04:00

i hate it! i hate it! i HATE it!

itchiness...... discomfort..... leakage...... 3 times a day..... just don't like it. at. all.

so the nurses said i could switch. to PIO. i have all the stuff. i have the dosage instructions. the nurse drew spots on my backside so that dh would know where to put the syringe.

i just can't pull the trigger. i continue to torture myself with the endometrin.

(2 major fears.....1. dh giving me shots.... it scares me(i always do all the shoys myself). 2. endometrin is 3 times a day, PIO once a day. how do i just go from every 8 hours to just once a night.....won't that fuck with my body to not have any progestrone all day long???)

i need yor advice ladies!!

what would you do? what do you think?? does the shot hurt? is it awful either way??

what should i do!!

please help me!!

still here

2011-05-26T09:29:00.002-04:00

and still waiting......

why is it we are hopeful at first and then we start to be nervous.... we start to think it didn't work.
i think i have gone into self preservation mode. the waiting of IF is the worst part.

6dp5dt

2011-05-22T21:10:00.004-04:00

if i am not pregnant, than the progrestrone is seriously fucking with my body and possibly my head.

first off.... i have had a bit of a reaction to the endometrin...sorry if this is TMI, but this blog is for me too. my vag has been a little uncomfortable and itchy from time to time. it started the day after transfer. i spoke with nurse i (not my favorite) twice, the first time she said i could go to PIO if i wanted. the second time she told me about how it was the best drug on the market for luteal phase and preventing miscarriage and was used by 99% of the world. finally i spoke with another nurse who suggested some a&d ointment or even some monistat to help witht he itch..... thats all i wanted!! a little relief. so now my who-ha is feeling much much better :D

second..... and i knew it would be.... my boobs hurt....bad. sometimes its my nipples.....sometimes its my boobs. i have slept with a sports bra a couple nights.

third....bloat. man. yesterday and today have been the worst. super bloated. thank god all of my work clothes are on the big side since my recent weight loss. :D

i have also been pretty tired. the first couple days i was fine. friday i worked all day(11:30-8:30) and i felt good, but yesterday i was DONE! i got up at 9:30, which is pretty late for me, and was back in bed by 11:30..... napped til 2:30. i had to do grocery shopping yesterday, so i dragged hubs out as i needed help since i can't lift anything. we had to go to the farmers market and the real grocery store..... after the farmers market i was done..... but i dragged myself to the grocery store as well. we were probably out for about an hour and a half.... i was back in bed around 4:45 til about 7. we went to dinner and the beach and was again back in bed by 10 for the night.
again today i was exhausted. worked from 9:30-5..... from 9:30-11 i was dragging my ass.... and then by 3:30 i was done. so tired.
been in bed since 5:30 when i got home. got up twice to let the dog out, and get food, but thats it.

i have been admiring the photo of my gorgeous little embabies..... i so wish and pray that they stay with me for a lifetime. i love them so much already.

beta day is coming and i CAN'T wait! sorry but i'm not sharing the date of my beta.....
hubs and i decided we need to know for a little before we tell anyone....

for those of you who have commented on my strength in not testing...... i do have to say...we don't have any pee sticks in the house, and i am so scared hubs would know if i went out and bought one....he would be so angry.....
soooooooo that helps to keep me on track.

welcome new followers!! thanks for joining my ride! i hope i get to know you and your ride as well!
xoxo

may iclw

2011-05-20T23:15:00.003-04:00

perfect

2011-05-16T20:17:00.002-04:00

they said that my little embabies are perfect.... everyone was gushing. the embryologist was so excited!

dr. d was so happy and said that our chances were "really good"

acupuncture was beautiful this morning, it did it's job. i was happy, calm and ready.

transfer was easy, peaceful and beautiful.

to my embryos

2011-05-15T21:18:00.003-04:00

dearest little beans,

a year ago you were created. and a year ago we fought to bring a baby into this world. sadly, it didn't work. but we have you.... and tomorrow we will try again.

tomorrow you will be brought out of your long sleep. and we will be reunited. it may be a little crazy, it might be a little uncomfortable, but i am asking you now; please just fight. fight through the morning. fight as hard as you can. and by the afternoon, the worst will be over. by the afternoon you will be with me. you will be able to make yourself comfortable. i have worked hard to create a happy and cozy spot for you to stay. and i want you to stay for a while. thirty six to thirty seven weeks please.

i have dreamt of you all my life. i have hoped and prayed. and tomorrow we will be given the chance to be united..... once and for all.

i know that your life will change me forever, and i just can't wait for the change. it will be my job to keep you safe and happy and healthy for your lifetime. and i will do everything in my power to make sure that happens. i just need these two things from you.... just fight tomorrow. and then just stick. stick around.

you are all i ever wished for.... and i love you more than you could know.

48 hours to PUPO

2011-05-14T22:24:00.003-04:00

i am getting very excited!

i am off work until thursday next week..... and so excited to relax and spend some time with our little embabies!

went to acupuncture this morning..... it was busy when i got there. only one acupuncture lady working, which was totally strange, and the receptionist was calling people and scheduling appointments like crazy. when i got called back for treatment acupuncture lady asked how i was. i told her feeling "ok". not great and not terrible. we talked about the progestrone reaking havoc she said she would make it better, and then told me that acupuncture lady #1 would not be able to do my treatment on monday before the transfer, she had a family emergency and was out of town, so i wouldn't get a treatment before the transfer.

she said they thought i would be fine and i shouldn't worry about it.

begin total fucking insanity.

she put all the needles in and left me to go crazy....(in her defense, i don't think she had any idea my head was going to spin right off my neck)

i tried to relax... i tried to think about the bright yellow light in my ute.... i tried to listen to the music... i tried.

i didn't cry until she came back. she asked how i was, and i just started sobbing. i told her i was stressed and upset. i told her i felt abandoned.... i sobbed. she tried to console me. she tried to tell me that it would be FINE. she tried. i just cried.
she left me alone for a minute, i thought it was because she was in the weeds. she came back and said she had rearranged her schedule and she would be there on monday to do my treatment...... then i cried more... i sobbed " i'm sorry!". i could tell she was truly upset that i was upset. i could tell she was fighting back tears.

it was terrible..... i had to lay there for what seemed like forever. so that i could get it together.
and then, as soon as i walked out of the room.... waterworks. fucking unbelievable. more tears... a hug, apologies for making me so upset, and i was out the door.
acupuncture lady told me to "HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND!".

i got home and told DH about it..... he wanted to know what we were going to do to have fun. because he knew of my plans for the weekend...... cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, relaxing, a little pool time. he wanted fun. so we thought about it.....

and we made a plan.

today was spent shopping..... groceries and a new vacum! WOO HOO! so sad that i am so excited for a new vacum.
DH is awesome. after shopping, he cleaned while i went for a mani/pedi. love that man :D

and tomorrow......

MIAMI SEAQUARIUM!!!!

sooooo excited. DH used to go all the time when he was a kid. he grew up in miami.
i have been once. when i was a kid.

bestie, her hubs (whom i lovingly refer to as "jockstrap" don't remember why, but i love his nickname :D) and their son, ( my love, "bubba) are going with us. it should be lots of fun !!

lupron.....done

2011-05-10T10:35:00.002-04:00

this morning i gave myself my very last lupron shot!!!

i am so excited! we are moving along so well. yesterday my lining measured at 9.45mm. she said it looked beautiful and we were progressing nicely. so they scheduled my transfer for monday. they don't think i will be able to hold out until wednesday. which i am totally fine with :D

tomorrow we will have one last scan and E2 check and then i think i start the endometrin. Yuck.

love for my blog sisters

2011-05-07T22:16:00.004-04:00

yesterday when i got home from work i saw an envelope for me in the mail pile.... SIL sent me a card, a thinking of you card. it made me so happy!! i mean soooo happy! on a weekend filled with cards for all the special women in my life, a special woman decided to recognize me!

i don't think she will ever know how much that card meant.

so for all the women wishing we could just pass over mothers day without a thought..... Please know that i am thinking of you. please know that you can handle anything life sends your way- any challenges that lie ahead.
and remember, you are not alone.
we have each other to help us through this struggle and we have the mom's in our lives that helped to make us the fighters that we are.

so celebrate your mother, and the woman she has taught you to be. and be hopeful for the future.... the future that we fight for everyday.

xoxo
Jes

cd 10

2011-05-04T22:58:00.006-04:00

stopped to see dr. d this morning....ultrasound and bloodwork.

the ivf coordinator nurse did my scan. before she started the scan i told her my lining was doing excellent.... she asked how i knew that.... i told her that i saw acupuncture lady on tuesday, and that she is making sure of it :D

my ute is looking beautiful!! triple layer lining. i was shocked...wow!! already! i started estrogen 5 days ago. it was at 7.8.
so crazy.

when they got my e2 results back she called to update me.

she said dr. d is very pleased and tomorrow i will go to three patches and sunday i will go to four patches. they think i am progressing quickly and transfer day will most likely be moved up to monday the 16th. they will make a decision next week.

ultrasounds and e2 on monday and wednesday.

so excited!! can't wait to be reunited with my little embabies :D

random thoughts

2011-05-03T21:41:00.004-04:00

i have random thoughts running around in my head, here they are. in no particular order:

* I have been feeling so tired lately. ever since i strapped on my first estrogen patch on friday i have been exhausted. even acupuncture lady noticed it when she was feeling my pulse today.

* i am currently wearing 2 estrogen patches..... on thursday i go to 3, and 3 days later i go to 4 patches.

* TMI ALERT!!- all i have to say is "Holy CM Batman!!"

* i have decided not to ask about my E2 levels. they took blood on friday, and will continue throughout the cycle until transfer. i don't know what is an appropriate level at any point and i want to keep myself off Dr. Google.

* thanks to our tax refund i am getting an iPad. i ordered it a couple of weeks ago. it should be here on thursday or friday!!
so excited and hopeful it will keep me happy and occupied :D

* mom is doing much better!! last night she told me she feels "back to normal"!! YAY! i told her last month was i took care of her, this month, she takes care of me. (Thanks so much to my blog sisters for your kind words and hope for her to get well:D)

* i fell asleep today during acupuncture. i mean fast asleep. i don't think it was for long but it felt good! acupuncture ladies are really helping me to keep positive! i feel so good after every treatment.

* there is one pregnancy test in my house. one CBE digital. the one i have been saving for when i know it will be positive..... saving to see that one word. i don't think i will be POAS before my beta. i did it last time and it created negativity. and on beta day it was positive.

* i will also do my best to not google symptoms.

* mother's day is just around the corner..... last year i started stims on mother's day... i was full of mixed emotions. this year i will be celebrating the wonderful mother's in my life.... and staying hopeful that next year will be for me!

*my 2WW falls during ICLW. i am feeling blessed and hopeful for any and all positive reinforcement that i will get from current followers as well as any visitors who may be stopping by.

* one of my coworkers told me yesterday that he and his wife have just started TTC. at first i was taken by surprise.... i wasn't sure how to feel..... but after i thought about it for a minute, it made me smile. i thought, it would be so great to be pregnant at the same time as his wife. i have known him for over 10 years and seen his life change in so many ways. it would be so fun to share some of the same experiences.

i am feeling like RE office all over the world are so very busy right now. i feel like every blog i follow is filled with treatments or BFP's!! Congrats to all who have gotten their miracle.... i wish you all healthy and uneventful pregnancies and the most important part.... a take home baby. and for those who haven't yet gotten their good news..... it's coming!! i know my good news is coming soon ;D

stim start and ultrasound

2011-04-29T23:26:00.003-04:00

lining: "nice and thin"

left ovary: "clear"

right ovary: "clear"

we are good to go!!!
i am truly so excited!! i feel like we have waited so long for this day.

i strapped on my first estrogen patch this morning. let the crazy time begin!
tonight i will start low dose asprin with my prenatal and melatonin (strictly for sleep, been taking it for about a year).
tomorrow lupron goes down to 10 units.

transfer day got moved up. may 18.
i think this is a definite date, but i will check for sure on wednesday when we go back for monitoring.

funny thing about may 18th

last year may 18th was retrieval day. the day my eggs were fertilized.
the day our little embabies were created.
can you believe it.

one year to the day.
it's a good sign.

CD 1

2011-04-25T23:01:00.003-04:00

it feels like it has been forever since i posted.

mom has been sick.....i have been so preoccupied and really haven't even had a chance to think about the hormones racing through my body. i think and hope that she is on the road to recovery. i mean, she just has to get better.

the other day i couldn't remember if i had given myself the daily lupron dose. i thought about it for about an hour. did i? maybe i did? i don't think i did..... i finally called the on call nurse..... i felt like such a shitbag. i told her i couldn't remember if i had done the shot or not. she said i wasn't an asshole, but secretly i am sure she was thinking, "what is wrong with this girl?"
we decided i should do the shot, because i really think i didn't do it.

the lupron has not been an issue. last september when i was on lupron i was injecting 5 units (nothing really) and i was emotional, sweaty, and basically an all around mess. right now i am injecting 30 units, and nothing. i feel fine. i am exhausted. but i think that has more to do with worrying about my mom.

acupuncture has been going well. nothing to report.

af showed her head today. finally. she was due on friday. yesterday i spotted once. and then..... nothing. this morning i was just about to call and tell the nurse af was still not here, i decided to check one more time, and there she was! i think we are still on track for a may 20th transfer. will find out for sure on friday.

a prayer

2011-04-20T23:06:00.003-04:00

a co-worker of mine was sad tonight. yesterday her family experienced a loss.

her sister in law gave birth yesterday. 4 months early.
John Ryan was born late last night. he lived with his parents for three short hours.

i don't know much about what happened or why..... but i do know his family loves him dearly.

i am so very sad for John Ryan's family, and i am praying for their sweet angel, and for their loss. i hope they are able to find peace, as they grieve.

game on

2011-04-15T10:54:00.004-04:00

first lupron shot this morning...

i was nervous last night. it was funny, i had nerves like the first day of school. nervous excitement.

the weather has been in the high 80's with such humidity, and i am so ready for the nasty lupron hot flashes!! bring it on!

moving right along!!

2011-04-13T14:14:00.003-04:00

monday dh and i went to dr. d's office for our med training and cycle planning visit.

we paid all fees
talked about cycle start date
and then......
nurse "i" mentioned the difficult transfers. she said it had been over a year since my d&c and hysteroscopy, and she was a little concerned about my cervix possibly closing up a little. she decided to schedule a trial transfer, just to be on the safe side. she said as long as the trial transfer went smoothly, we should be good to go for med start on friday..... but if it did not go well, i might have to have another hysteroscopy and d&c. and we would get pushed back......

i. was. terrified.

she gave me a Rx for valium.... just to make sure i was nice and calm for the trial.

med's were ordered and consent forms were signed.

today was the trial. i woke up in a great mood. torturing dh the minute he was up.... he asked if i had already taken the valium, because i was in such a good mood :D

we went to dr. d's office.... bladder so very full, it was all i could think about. dr. d said he was hopeful that this trial would go well.

as he looked at the ultrasound he said, "ok, the bladder is full, maybe too full." (i felt it might be, and i hate when you have to pee so bad, they tell you just to pee a little.) but he did it!! it took two tries, but he did it. and i think dr. d was more relieved than i was. actually EVERYONE was relieved. the stenosis in my cervix is pretty bad i guess, because all the nurses were so happy.... high fives as we were leaving the office!!

lupron starts on friday!!

i can't even believe it is here, i am so excited and truly optimistic....this is going to work!!

we go back april 29 for first ultrasound and stim start!! WOOO-HOOO!!

also, thanks so much for your comments about my mom :D
she was pretty sick and was in the hospital for 7 days, but is out now, and doing soooooo much better!!

xoxo

trip to the keys....cut short

2011-04-04T23:25:00.004-04:00

dh and left for islamorada on saturday morning. we LOVE islamorada... nothing to do and absolutely gorgeous!! best friend introduced us to a wonderful hotel there, The Drop Anchor Resort. if you find yourself in the keys, i highly recommend it!!

anyways, saturday was a good day.... we drove down (about 2 and a half hours).....stopped at the Island Grill.... love it there too...
had some stone crabs, cracked conch, and ahi tuna nachos....so delicious!!! we stocked up at the grocery store, liquor store, and bait shop. and then we just relaxed. the view at the drop anchor is so beautiful, and the weather has been so beautiful, 80 and sunny with a little breeze.....PERFECT!! sorry for those of you who live in the cold :(

sunday started beautiful..... i woke up early, went out for coffee and the most amazing cinnamon buns in the keys (Bob's Bunz)
got back to the hotel and hung out on our balcony and waited for dh to get up..... we hung out at the pool all morning. around 2 o'clock best friend called. she had taken my mom to the emergency room early sunday morning.... she had a kidney stone. they sent her home with lots of instructions which bestie totally took care of (love that girl) but then mom started to feel like she had a fever and was not feeling good at all. so bestie called to let us know what was going on and that my mom was going back to the e.r. for the second time.

i waited a bit and then called my mom. she knew best friend had filled me in.... i really think she wouldn't have called. crazy lady.
mom said she was ok, and i was NOT to come home. i told her i would only go home if she was admitted to the hospital and had to stay overnight. she said that was fair.

the new optimistic me said everything would be ok. so....i started drinking. scotch.
the sun was out, we laid in the sun, we went swimming, it was perfect.
my cell phone died because we listened to pandora all morning on my phone. we decided to go to lunch around 3.30. i plugged my phone in, and we went back down the street to the island grill. i was full. of scotch. couldn't eat a thing. too drunk.

best friend called dh's phone at 4.15 and i knew it was bad news.... said she was being admitted. she then gave me a million reasons to not come home.
i told her i was too fucked up to figure out what to do. best friend and dh had a good laugh. at my expense.
we drove back to hotel, i stayed on the phone, and dh figured out the game plan. basically, i was worthless for decision making.
i took a shower and tried to sober up. dh was fine. we packed the car and were on the road by 5.30..... my head was spinning.

we got home around 8 and went right to the hospital.... i got to spend a little time with mom, but she was not feeling well at all. and completely out of it.... morphine will do it.

when i got to the hospital this morning, i said hi to mom, and she said, "i think i am really sick jes."
i told her, "i know."

she had become septic from the kidney stones blocking the path to her bladder.

the urologist came around 10.30 and said he was going to schedule surgery to put in a stent to drain her kidney. he seemed like it was a busy day and wasn't quite sure when the surgery would be. 2 hours later she was being rushed into surgery.... he made it happen quickly.

the surgery went as expected and mom did well. they are keeping her until they can get the infection/sepsis under control, and to make sure the stones drain. hopefully she will be much better tomorrow.

a whole day in the hospital is gross.... dh made an amazing dinner....meatballs, sausage, and pasta, he also unpacked, started laundry and cleaned up. he is the best!!!

good news..... we got a voucher from the drop anchor for our unused night. 1 vacation has turned into 2 mini vacations!!!
i can't wait to go back!!

a happier me

2011-03-30T23:23:00.003-04:00

i have been thinking so much lately about the last year and a half..... about everything. it's crazy. (sorry if this post is all over the place, but so many things to say :D)

at the beginning of 2011 i just prayed that it be better than 2010, and so far, it's been perfect as compared to 2010.

i mean really.... in feb 2010, DH's mom died. BAD!! (they weren't close at all. but still it was a really bad start)

in march 2010, my SIL, who i truly love like a real sister, had a massive stroke. REALLY BAD!! (thank the lord she is doing AMAZING!! we are so blessed to have her in our lives)

in between both awful experiences we had 2 IUI's and two BFN's.

basically 2010 didn't have a chance after that. i mean really. it was just all downhill from there.

so far 2011.....PERFECT!! i am feeling so great!!
i really think that acupuncture has done wonders for me! the weight loss is also not a bad thing :D

since i started acupuncture, i have noticed several changes.

1. less headaches. i am one who has headaches everyday...but since we started seeing the acupuncture ladies i have had 2. one after drinking all afternoon (st. patty's day parade) and one on the first day of AF

2. AF changes~~~ TMI ALERT~~~
no clots at all this month, and no spotting before AF came.
acupuncture lady, the cute pregnant eastern european one, was so excited to hear the news about changes to AF.

3. this one is big!! since the initial meeting with acupuncture lady (the head doctor), i don't hate preggos anymore. it's crazy how one single conversation could change the way i feel. really, 5 weeks ago i could not stand the sight of preggo's or women with new babies. and since that conversation, i am so different. i speak to preggo's, congratulate them, and am truly excited to see them once the babies are born!! isn't it amazing how one person can give you their persperctive and completely change the way you feel in one tiny conversation.....

4. calmness. i feel this overwhelming sense of calmness. i just feel better.

i had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today....
"S" is a woman i work with, usually twice a week. she is an older woman, late 50's i believe. a very religious woman....very health conscious... and really just a good person. she asked me today if DH and i plan to have children. i responded with my standard shoulder shrug, "one day."

she said, "i see the way you love children, and i have been praying for you, that you have a baby of your own."

(sigh)

and then she said that she has been praying for me for a while, but recently it dawned on her, maybe i don't want children. she decided it was best to ask me if i did want kids because "she didn't want to pray for me to have a baby if i didn't want one" it was so cute and made me smile.... i said, "Thank you so much, and please do continue to pray for me."

she promised she would.

i can't believe our break is almost over.... 6 months without ANY fertility treatments, 6 months of no doctors, 6 months of working on me, 6 months to find the happiness i used to have. in october 6 months felt like a lifetime..... and now it feels like it went by in a flash.
i realize now that infertility has changed me forever, but i don't believe it is all bad. infertility has taught me just how much fight i have.... and for real, i have got a lot of fight in me. i am ready to fight, and i am ready to make a baby, and i am ready for all that this ride has to throw at me....

in 3 days we are taking a trip to the florida keys, we live two and a half hours from paradise, and i fully intend to enjoy every minute of it.

in 7 days our break is officially over. back to the doctor's we go.

in 16 days i start Lupron

and in 51 days we will transfer two beautiful 5 day old blasts.

i am so ready!!!

FET

2011-03-24T10:42:00.003-04:00

So..... on tuesday i called Dr.d's office. the girl who answers the phone and schedules appointments "C" was sooo excited we were coming back. she made me feel so good, said we were her favorite patients, and she was so happy to see our faces again!! {love her}

i asked her to have the office manager give me a call, as my ins. doesn't kick in until April 1, but AF should be here around the 26th. "E" called me yesterday and said Dr. D was going to be out of town April 1-the 13th and she thought it would be better to get me in, so that we could get things rolling asap, and then we don't have to wait for dr.d to get back to plan the cycle. so, we went this morning!!! :D

FET is SCHEDULED!!! wow!! i can't believe it!!

i start lupron april 15, and transfer is scheduled for May 20th!!

Dr. D said the embryos are beautiful, high quality, and partially hatched. and they have a very high success rate for thawing, so we will without a doubt have 1 embryo, but hopefully both will survive the thaw.....(my biggest concern) i don't have to take birth control, which i am ecstatic about...
Dr. D also said we seem to be much calmer than we have been in the past... he was so happy to hear we had taken a break and worried about getting ourselves back in a good place.... he was also happy to hear about the acupuncture.

and here is something crazy. last year for our fresh cycle, the transfer day was May 21....

i am so excited and ready!!

cd 22 and acupuncture question

2011-03-22T23:06:00.004-04:00

(i have to say, i LOVE when AF starts on the first of the month!! it's so easy to figure out what cd it is! :D)

went to acupuncture today.... i am really enjoying it!!

a question though for those of you also doing acupuncture: as i lay there, it seems really easy for me to relax, as soon as i start to fall asleep, my mind wakes me up and then i have to go through the whole relaxation process again, but the second time it is harder to relax.... any relaxation or meditation techniques anyone can share with me??

after acupuncture i came home and did a moxa treatment.... currently i smell like a campfire... not really a fan of the smell but whatever. if it is good for me, i will do it.

today my boobs began to hurt, always a strong sign that AF is on the way.... i am also so bloated today. i feel so full and uncomfortable. (strange, because not normally a symptom for me)

also today i called our RE's office. the girl who answers the phone and schedules appointments was so excited to i called. and when i told her i was calling because we want to come back for an FET she was ecstatic!! she said dh and i were her favorite patients and couldn't wait to see us in the office again! (made me feel so good). now just waiting for the business manager to call back so we can work out specifics :D

getting so excited to be back in the saddle!!

March ICLW

2011-03-20T22:51:00.005-04:00

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you!! for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i am currently at the tail end of a much needed 6 month break from TTC.

5. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated

myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was basically miserable.

7. in the last 6 months i have found myself again. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i have lost 23 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself. i am excited to get back on the TTC horse (more than a horse, a bucking bronco)

8. i have 2 beautiful frozen embabies waiting patiently for a gorgeous, plush, triple layer lining.

9. i just started seeing an acupuncturist and traditional chinese medicine doctor. she thinks i have MAJOR issues with my yang, and we are currently working to find yin and yang balance.

10. we will go back to the RE in the beginning of april for an FET! i can't wait!! (waiting for health benefits to kick in)

11. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean more to me than many relationships i have in real life. i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

who should we be hanging out with??

2011-03-15T11:34:00.003-04:00

DH and i live in a cute little neighborhood. 53 houses, everyone knows everyone. and everyone knows everyones business. there are several desperate houswives, who let you know the gossip of the week.... some couples with kids, some without. many of the couples on our street hang out at our next door neighbors house. we have hung out with them a few times, they usually just have improptu get together filled with heavy drinking. DH has hung out more times than me, for a couple reasons...1. i don't drink that often and 2. i work crazy hours.

so saturday night they were all next door when we took the dog out back.....they asked us to come over.

i sat to chat with a fellow infertile. (i mentioned our struggles to her once because i had an inkling they were in the same boat, she told me all about it right away, she has an auto-immune that has prevented them from having kids) she asked how things were going.... i told her we have been on a break for such a long time and i am ready to get started again, but we are going to wait a little bit longer..... i don't want to share too much with people i have outed myself to.
she started to talk about people she knows who have tried so hard and spent so much money, only to be disappointed with no hope of a baby in their future. she said to me, "i just don't want you guys to go through all the pain and struggle and end up with nothing to show for it next year."

i could not imagine...... really! i told her we were in it for the long haul....
i told her i am only 32, and as i see it, i have so much time to make this work. (she and her husband decided after her auto-immune Dx to not try at all) i also told her that i truly believe that the things you want to most in life are the hardest things to get, and we have to be willing to fight for what we want.

i mean, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and clearly ours are different..... then i told her we had just started seeing an acupuncturist..... she asked who. as i was saying acupuncture lady's name, she cut me off and said, "Hate Her!" she said, "i would tell my best freind to find someone else." she told me about her experience, which was completely different from mine, and then said she felt like acupuncture lady is just in it for the money.....

bleck

i can't stand the debbie downer's in this world. first she basically told us not to try, and then tried to make me feel terrible about my decision in acupunctuist. there is a part of me that appreciates the feedback.... something to watch for, but at the same time, don't be so nasty.
i am really in a positive place right now. i have worked hard to feel better about myself and the shitty hand we have been dealt. i am truly ready to fight for what i want, but it's hard to not let those debbie downer's get to you sometimes.

after i went home, i thought a little more about what she said, and the other people we were hanging out with. a group of people without children. all for various reasons. i decided that these are not the best people to surround myself with. acupuncture lady made an impact. i think i might rather hang out with preggo's than people who are living their lives without children...... at least then i am sending the right messages into the universe.

meeting acupuncture lady

2011-03-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

for a few weeks now i have been really thinking hard about acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. i have been doing research, and looking at doctors in the area.

i ended up deciding on the practice i chose because of a referral from our second RE, Dr. Mumbles. i chose a practice of 4 traditional chinese medicine doctors. 95% of their business is fertility patients. as i looked at the website i decided this was without a doubt the route i wanted to try. (it also didn't hurt that i had a voucher for complimentary consultation :D)

so i spoke to DH. he said ok, we could check it out. (i think non-traditional doctors visits are not really his thing) i had to wait a couple weeks to make an appt. as DH has been traveling a lot with work. which was good, i think. i gave me time to consider everything.

so off we went.

i was expecting most of what we got..... it did get a little intense. DH was not expecting what we got. (he was very overwhelmed)

acupuncture lady is very real. there is no sugar coating things around her, and immediately i liked this about her. she asked some hard questions while she was getting to know us. she learned a lot. i think we learned a lot too.

she asked how i feel about our RE..... as soon as she asked the question, i realized, this lady has the inside track on all the RE'S and OBGYN's in the area. i liked how she listened, and i liked how she spoke about the doctors i have been to. she was surprised to hear about an awful experience i had with one of the nurses at Dr. D's office, and asked me to call Dr. D to clear things up so that when we do go back for the FET, our experience is nothing but peaceful and happy. i liked that she insisted on making the phone call, although i haven't gotten up the guts to call yet.

she also insisted that i make a call to my hypnotherapist. to clear the air with her. as i feel that she has broken my trust. a phone call i will be making tomorrow.

she wanted to know about our diagnosis. RE #1 said "cervical stenosis", RE #2 said "unexplained"...... as we talked, it made me think we had been going about things all wrong. we never really talked about a diagnosis..... we just pushed forward..... trying to use up the insurance benefits as we would not have them for long. i mean, that's not the way you make a baby. it's bad enough we aren't making a baby the traditional way, worse, we made it about money. no wonder it didn't happen!!

acupuncture lady kept saying we are "calling forth life" she asked when the last time i was around a newborn was. she asked because there is something so peaceful and angelic about a newborn, and this is a life that we are trying to create. she asked if i thought a new life would want to be brought into a place where there are hard feelings and resentment. she asked how i feel about pregnant women, and i told her the truth. i told her that i avoid situations with pregnant women, because i feel "bleck" around them. again, hard feelings and resentment.

it made so much sense! i think by just saying that to me, she changed my perspective. i have even had conversations with a few preggo ladies since then.

after we spoke for a while acupuncture lady explained the process. the first four sessions are diagnostic. she explained they will be looking at my tongue, feeling my pulses, looking over my history and also doing some acupuncture. after the four sessions we will have a re-evaluation, and discuss the suggested treatment.

i have done two sessions so far. one after our consultation, and one on saturday morning. the first time was strange. the needles didn't hurt, it was just weird. i also had a really hard time relaxing. after she put the needles in, i was to lay in the room for 25 minutes to relax. as soon as she left the room it sounded as it they were moving furniture around the office, very distracting. the second treatment was much easier. it was done by one of the other doctors in the practice. a very pregnant eastern european woman (i don't remember her name). she was so calm and peaceful, i couldn't help but love everything about her. as she left the room it seemed like she was a bit concerned about my ability to relax. ( little does she know i can generally sleep on command.) i listened to the music and dreamt of our child. i thought about my ovaries and the follicles releasing an egg, and fertilization. i got a little emotional as i visualized our child being created within my body..... it felt so amazing!! as the music continued i continued to relax..... i think i might have fallen asleep. as the doctor walked into the room she said "Great Job!!" she was impressed with my ability to relax! :D

it has been so much to process.... i have sat down to write this post more times than i would like to say, but i just wasn't getting the right things out. my head has been spinning!! acupuncture lady has given me so much to think about, and also a truly new perspective.

i am looking forward to my treatment tomorrow, and so excited for the re-evaluation on thursday.